Ah, the Internet – was there ever a more magical device for getting close to the dregs of humanity? Like the most uncomfortable zoo ever, the Net has allowed us to peek in on the lives of our fellow human beings all over the world, and most of those lives are pretty damned disgusting. This feature catalogs the 20 worst individuals to ever come to the attention of the hive-mind – from anime-obsessed manchildren to enormous rednecks to attention-starved (but not food-starved) camwhores, these are the 20 Worst Internet Losers.
The world may never be ready for whatever the hell is wrong with YouTube user Pruane2, aka Sexman. Known to his fans as “Jawsus” for the atrocious nature of his mouth (a terrifying abyss of teeth going every which way, barely held in by the bravest braces ever made by dental science). Sexman’s videos are endless, whining, barely coherent diatribes about all the things important to pre-teen boys: movies, pornography and 50 Cent. Sexman was so ridiculous in his 50 diss that the rapper actually flew him out to NYC to be the punchline for a joke. Here’s the video that made him famous, “Screw You Porn Addicts.”
The Internet: it’s not a good place for magic. And yet, the Web is clogged with tools who claim to be able to perform all sorts of supernatural deeds. One of the lamest is Thalesin, a self-proclaimed “druid” who loves nothing more than “going skyclad” (that’s walking around naked for all of your mundanes out there) and casting spells to make his miserable life more palatable. But what makes the big T earn a spot on this list is that, when he wasn’t commanding the natural forces of earth and air, he was working at Wal-Mart – until he got fired for coming to work in a kilt and refusing to wear underwear underneath it.
Lots and lots of people come to the Internet to make money. Most of them end up losing it. But few wipe out quite as spectacularly as Casey Serin. This Uzbeki immigrant got into the real estate market in 2005, seduced by the easy money promised from “flipping” houses. Unfortunately, because he was a giant idiot, he screwed the pooch royally. After getting subprime mortgage loans based on lying about his income as a web designer, Serin spiraled crazily into debt, chronicling it all on his blog where he cried like a bitch about the “haters” who were trying to ruin him. Over $2.2 million in debt, Serin’s latest hijinks have included trying to shill penny stocks and convince people to buy him a private island.
A great thing is when of people use the Internet to share their knowledge with the world. In the case of wanna-be cooking show host Simply Sara, the knowledge she’s sharing is how she got so morbidly obese that her camera has never been able to capture her whole image. Have you ever wondered why Americans are so gigantic? It’s because they cook giant vats of lard pizza burger ice cream and gobble it all up in front of Two And A Half Men. Taking cooking advice from this buttermountain is like taking career advice from Lindsay Lohan. Watch her recipe for macaroni salad that clocks in at nearly 7000 calories.
2 The Ranting Gryphon
What’s worse than furries? I’ll answer that for you: furry stand-up comedians. The living trainwreck who refers to himself as “2 The Ranting Gryphon” belongs to that most reviled subculture of them all, people who get off thinking about cartoon animals, sex with cartoon animals, and certain sports mascots. That’s losertastic enough, but what earns this furry his special spot is his “rants,” horrible performances that would get him kicked off the stage in the worst comedy club in the most desperately starved for entertainment town in America. Let’s just say that his career as a comedian is such a raging success that he’s on food stamps – for realz. Here’s a sample.