For those of you who don’t know, the Weigh Down Diet is the hot new weight loss craze that is sweeping this ridiculous nation. The difference between this diet and all the other fads that have come and gone is that this one uses the Bible to teach people how to lose weight and to inspire them to stop eating so damn much. And since we here at Heavy care deeply about both the health of your body and the health of your heathen soul we thought we would let you know just what this Weigh Down Diet is all about.
– One of the foremost principles of the Weigh Down Diet is that exercise is important. Therefore, you will be required by both the diet and by God to wander in the desert for at least 40 minutes a day. It gets hot in the desert and you will burn some calories.
– Following your workout, you will be allowed to eat a handful of manna provided to you by God. But if you eat more than 1/4 cup of manna you will be forced to repeat the 40 minute wandering in the desert.
– You must also quit your job and “volunteer” for some new building projects over in Egypt. You will work long hours in the hot sun and live in a straw hut and occasionally a man with a whip will show up to beat the fat off of you. You will lose weight this way whether you like it or not.
– Chariot races! That’s right. Time for some fun! One thing you should probably know, though: instead of horses, you and 11 other “volunteers” will be strapped to the chariot and will pull it around an arena while the rider whips some more fat off of you.
– This next principle of the Weigh Down Diet is very important: no fruit. I know it contradicts everything you’ve heard, but you simply cannot eat that fruit, no matter what that damn snake tells you. Otherwise, God will punish you with unsightly cellulite.
– Another extreme workout, best suited for those who have already been with the program for several months is cross carrying. You will have a giant cross strapped to your back and will be forced to haul it down a busy city street while onlookers pelt you with trash. It’s effective! I mean, have you see Jesus’ abs?
– Everyone likes to have a good time now and then, but let’s face it, alcoholic drinks can pack on the pounds. Therefore, what you need to do is drink water and pretend that it’s wine. Fun!
– Learn to walk on water. Buy water-skis and spend your weekends being pulled by a giant power-Ark around a lake. I think you’ll find that it’s a surprisingly good workout for your core.
– Finally, and again, this is for the more advanced users of the Weigh Down Diet, a good workout is cross hanging. Have a friend strap you to a cross and see how long you can remain up there. Sure, it’ll be tough and that crown of thorns might seem unnecessary, but I guarantee you that you can’t find a better workout anywhere and when you’re done, people will worship you like a God! That’s what killer abs and chiseled pecs can do for you.