Tony Hayward, BP’s hapless CEO, is apparently on his way out. Indeed, it would seem that grossly mismanaging an ecological disaster and in the process making a laughingstock out of your multi-billion dollar company is a fireable offense. Who knew? But life isn’t over for poor Tony Hayward. Oh no. Even though he is about to be professionally executed, he still has to trudge along until the Grim Reaper comes to collect him for the great gig in the sky, just like the rest of us. Unfortunately, for Tony Hayward, the rest of us don’t have to deal with people looking like they want to vomit at the sight of our faces or people chasing us off their property with shotguns when we come to inquire about a job. Well, most of us anyway.
But that is Tony Hayward’s new reality and with that in mind, life will probably take a bit of a downward turn for ol’ Tony. No more easy yacht races for him. No sir. But luckily for him, we here at Heavy are humanitarians and we believe in giving a helping hand to the needy and the downtrodden. Therefore, we’ve compiled a list of opportunities for which we feel Tony Hayward is qualified. You’re welcome, Tony.
- Senior Jizz Mopper at The Jiggle Room. A lesser man would have to cut his teeth as a Junior Jizz Mopper, taking orders and scrubbing the floors clean with an old toothbrush, but Tony is a damn professional, a PhD for God’s sake. It’s Senior Jizz Mopper or nothing for him. Then again, Tony has shown that he struggles when it comes to cleaning up spills. Maybe Junior Jizz Mopper is better for him after all.
- Cave Explorer. Sure, why not? Tony Hayward has a PhD in geology, so why not just give him a few bucks to wade deep into a cave and hope that he gets lost? Just dynamite the entrance and let him spend his final days doing what he loves, looking at rocks. Then again, Tony would probably discover some rare rock that would poison us all like Kryptonite and then manage to escape so maybe we should just scrap this idea.
- Hollywood Stunt Double. Tony Hayward can make a few bucks doubling for Michael Sheen whenever Sheen has to play Tony Blair again. And let’s face it, the day is coming when Sheen ends up playing Tony Hayward in the movie about all this nonsense so why not let Tony Hayward serve as the stunt double to the actor playing him? Wait, I’m confused . . . anyway, the next time Michael Sheen plays Tony Blair they should write in a scene where he gets run off a cliff by a pack of wild donkeys who then proceed to show him just how wild they can really get. Bring on the stunt double!
- Human Target. Tony Hayward could probably make a ton of money if he hired himself out to irate redneck hunters in Alabama and Louisiana, who could spend a day chasing him through the woods, trying to spray him with buckshot. I know that sounds harsh, but the man’s gotta eat, you know? He can supplement this income by hiring himself out to work childrens’ parties as a clown who specializes in getting shot by paintball guns for $6.50 an hour. It’s a hard life, Tony, but just imagine all the laughing, smiling faces when they see you writhing on the ground in agony. That will make it all worth it.
- The Head of FEMA. Let’s face it, if there’s one job that Tony Hayward seems uniquely qualified for, it’s this one. You’re doing a heckuva job, Tony! Trust me, Mike Brown probably thanks God every day for bringing Tony Hayward into the life of the residents of the Gulf and if there’s one thing we’ve learned from all this it’s that if Tony Hayward just hangs in there, in five years or so someone else will do something so dumb or screw something up so badly that everyone will forget about him too. So, hey man, there’s always hope.