Being a super hero seems like a pretty good gig, and I have to admit the ability to launch concussive force blasts out of my pores uncontrollably at any time is really giving me a leg-up in the daycare industry. Sometimes it can kind of suck though, like when you have to justify a career as “Toddler Blasta 2000” to your parents during an awkward unsolicited phone call at 8pm on a lonely wasted Friday. Here are four other souls blessed – and cursed – with fantastic abilities that set them forever apart from mere mortals.
Definitely one of Marvel’s most misguided creations, Ghost Rider rides a cool bike, wears a leather jacket and smokes. Girls want to be like him and guys want to be with him! His backstory requires three PhDs in reading Wikipedia and massive brain damage to understand so let’s just break it down real simple: the Devil made him awesome and gave him a cool bike. Take that, Chick Fil-a.
Power we’d dig: Blazing chains
Ghost Rider can summon spooky chains do his bidding, provided his bidding involves cracking you upside the head. Even better: the chains are on fire. If I could summon blazing chains the kids at school would definitely stop beating me up – stop beating me up because they would exist solely in a world where the only reality is chain-based immolation. Then I’d get all the girls and my pet dog would come back from the field mom took it to play in when I was five and we’d all go for ice cream. Yeah.
Power we’d detest: Blazing head
Ghost Rider’s head is a ball of blazing flame, limiting his ability to wear fetching hats, partake in gas station-based breakdancing competitions or sexually interfere with women. Admittedly, we’ve never been so great at the last one but hats and fuel-soaked windmills are a big part of our lives. This is of course gallows humour – intended to detract from the hellish reality that Ghost Rider’s brain is on fire. Forever. HIS BRAIN IS ON FIRE AND IT WILL NEVER STOP BECAUSE HIS BRAIN IS ON FIRE FOREVER!
Wolverine’s mutant “overexposure” factor allows him to appear in every single comic book printed twice. He’s also the original cool edgy murderer, carrying six of the sharpest possible knives around in his forearms. Just imagine how gross those things must get with all the zombie blood and the ninja entrails and shit. Urrgh.
Power we’d dig: Mutant healing factor
Wolverine can be stabbed, shot, impaled, burnt and fired out of a comically huge cannon into the sun and still heal in time for a witty soundbite thanks to the mysterious inner force which allows him to regrow his entire body and somehow breathe when his lungs are nothing but a tattered mesh of bullet wounds. Hey, they’re comic book creators, not guys who pay attention to detail! This would be really useful for us when we have to hide our weekend pansexual BDSM orgy related injuries from our manager when we clock in at the Chick Fil-a on a Monday.
Power we’d detest: Mutant smelling factor
Wolverine can smell anything, ever – imagine a world where you can smell all the genitals in a ten-block radius. Even the most fragrant of Cyclops’ stolen girlfriends would reek like a graveyard in a fish market. He can smell the turds in your ass because his life is terrible. Next time they bump titties in a tiresome brawl Sabretooth should just cut the BS and cup a fart into his face. Instant K.O. and a sense that the universe is deeply, subtly broken which will haunt the man called Logan for the rest of his horrible, choking immortality.