College is an important time in anyone’s life, a time when you finally stick a few toes out into the real (well, realish anyway) world, leave behind the comforts of home, and embrace your future as an adult. Or, if you do it the right way, it’s a time of utterly debauched carnality that will somehow set you up as more employable. We here at Heavy believe in the future – we believe in your future. This is because we love you like proud fathers love their sons and because we’re cool like that. And it is with that in mind, that we bring to you the tools you need to survive your first week in college.
This might seem simple, but a lot of people don’t really understand this. Your first week of college, everyone is new. Everyone is just trying to fit in and make friends. This won’t happen if you just hide in your dorm room. Talk to the people who live in your dorm. Go to parties with them. If you do it right, it can be like being in a fraternity without actually having to join a fraternity. You’ll make the friends that will be your best friends for the rest of your life. If you do it wrong, you’ll just sit like some sad bastard in your dorm room, bitter and wondering what all the fuss is about. Look, you don’t want to be that guy who no one knows, and who no one recognizes whenever you leave your room. Those strangers could be your friends, not people who glance at you like you’re a damn weirdo. You’ll only be hurting yourself.
This can’t be stressed enough – GO TO CLASS. You know how people tell you that it doesn’t matter if you go to class in college? Yeah, that’s a HUGE LIE. Well, actually, most people don’t understand what people are actually trying to tell them here. What most people actually say is that no one cares whether you go to class or not. This is true. But this is because no one really gives a damn whether you fail or not. You still have to go to class. But no one is going to make you either. For the first time in your life, you can wake up and decide you just don’t want to go to class today. You can roll over and go to bed and no one’s going to yell at you. Your mom’s not there. Your dad’s not there. He’s too busy balling your mom in your old bedroom. But if you miss class, you’re screwed. First of all, if you miss the lectures, you miss half of what will end up on the exams. That’s no good. Second, believe it or not, a lot of professors actually take attendance and then factor that into the grade, and you never know which ones are going to do it until you are already there. Third, there are a few professors who actually give pop quizzes. It happens and they are designed to weed out people who are too busy sleeping to go to class. And fourth – and this is why going to class is absolutely crucial in the first week – the first class is when the professor hands out the syllabus for the rest of the semester. This has a list of all planned events, tests, quizzes, etc., and serves as an outline for the class as a whole. You need this. This way, if you have to miss a class later in the semester, you can at least make an educated guess about which days are okay to miss. But, really, go to class. Do this and you will graduate. Don’t do this and you will very likely fail. It’s that simple.
Having a car on campus is a pain in the ass. You have to pay ridiculous fees for a parking pass and there is never anywhere to park. Plus, many schools don’t allow freshmen to have cars on campus as a way to alleviate the parking problem. Still, you’re going to need to go into town sometimes, and when you do, you’re going to need a car. Find someone who has a car and make friends with them. Don’t be obvious about it, or be a jerk though. I mean, no one is going to want to be friends with you if they think that you’re just using them for their car. The trick is to just make a lot of friends. This goes back to the first thing we talked about – be friendly. Do this and you’re bound to become friends with someone who has a car.
Some people don’t want to pay for a meal plan, mistakenly believing that it will be cheaper to find food on their own. This is a fool’s decision. First of all, you’re probably stuck in a dorm, a place with a cafeteria that is basically all you can eat. And don’t believe all of the garbage about cafeteria food being awful. Most colleges actually go out of their way to provide their students with quality food. Believe me, once you are out of the dorms and sans meal plan, living like a hobo on ramen noodles, off-brand soda, Grade F meat and vodka fumes, you will miss it. Second, most dorms won’t allow you to have anything other than a mini-refrigerator and a microwave. If you think you can sustain yourself with only those two things, well, good luck with that.
Look, college is all about finding balance. You have the option of drinking every day, of just partying until someone shows up and kindly asks you to leave campus. You can do this and it’s fun. It is. At least for a little while, but you end up shortchanging yourself out of the full experience. A year or two spent partying isn’t as fun as four years of parties, you know? Or you can be super serious, go to class every day, spend your free time studying and graduate in exactly four years. You’ll get your diploma and when people ask you about college, you’ll have nothing worthwhile to say. You will regret missing out on the experience of college. You will. The key is to go to class and do everything you need to do in order to get that diploma but to also have fun when you can. This means going to parties on the weekends (or the occasional weeknight.) These can be fraternity parties or they can be giant house parties. It doesn’t matter. Go out and have fun. Meet girls. Let one thing lead to another. You will love it.