The business world was stunned by Hewlett Packard CEO Mark Hurd’s ouster from the company in the wake of a sexual harassment lawsuit filed by Jodie Fisher, a former actress/marketing consultant/who the hell knows. Hurd developed a sterling reputation as the head of HP – under his watch the value of the company nearly doubled – and the company wouldn’t have just forced him out for telling a dirty joke or two. Instead, they supposedly told him to get lost after it came out that he lied about his expense reports, writing off dinners and get togethers with Fisher as company expenses. Apparently, he felt that getting his knob polished would boost HP stock by up to five percent and that getting his balls played with would allow the company to save money in these dark and troubled times. After all, if he hadn’t have made the company spring for a stray dinner or two at Arby’s and KFC, he would have had to spend hundreds more on a hooker. The man was just trying to cut costs.
But even if Hurd hadn’t lied, we here at Heavy have learned the shocking and explosive details behind Fisher’s lawsuit, and we now believe that this business with the expense reports was just a way for HP to let their head honcho leave with at least a little bit of dignity before both he and the company were viciously dragged through the mud. Sure, it’s embarrassing to be caught falsifying expense reports, but all that pales in comparison to these shocking allegations:
- During a picnic organized by Fisher in her role as a marketing consultant for HP, Hurd showed up drunk and naked, terrifying all of the families in attendance. When Fisher attempted to calm him, Hurd exploded and bellowed that if she didn’t sleep with him right then and there he was going to jack off into the lemonade which was made by volunteers from a local church. Several children began crying immediately, one woman vomited and an elderly man passed out and later died. Although the death was later attributed to heat stroke, the sight of Hurd’s penis flapping in the breeze potentially played at least a small role.
- At a quiet candlelit dinner Hurd organized as an apology to Fisher for the picnic fiasco, he reportedly stood up, unzipped his pants, took out his penis and whispered across the table “A lot of people want to talk about software, but at Hewlett Packard, we believe in hardware“. He then reportedly began masturbating in an effort to back up the statement.
- Two weeks later, Hurd was seen chasing a mystery woman, later identified as Fisher, through the halls of his luxurious apartment. He was reportedly completely naked and brandishing a chainsaw. Police later determined that this was actually a scene from the film American Psycho and that it was unlikely to have actually transpired in real life. Hurd’s neighbors, however, stand by their stories.
- Hurd apparently also routinely sabotaged Fisher’s computer in an effort to force her to call HP’s tech department. Hurd would then use his influence as CEO to intercept the call and then breathe heavily into the phone, occasionally moaning and one time even climaxing over the phone. Fisher would always just shake her head and ask “Mark, is that you? Come on, I know it’s you,” but Hurd never admitted anything and to this day refuses to admit responsibility.
- At a dinner party hosted by Hurd, he shocked his guests, who included a wary Fisher, by emerging naked from his house, his penis tucked between his legs and chanting “It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.” Fisher was forced to take him aside and was overheard explaining to him “For the last time, Mark, I’m not Jodie Foster. It’s Jodie Fisher . . . Fisher.” Hurd reportedly refused to accept this explanation and threatened to eat Fisher’s liver with “some fava beans and a nice chianti.” Fisher broke off all contact with Hurd the next day.
These are just a few of the explosive details uncovered by Heavy’s crack team of researchers (and by that, I of course mean our researchers are all on crack) and it’s no wonder why HP quickly tried to bury this by claiming that Hurd was being canned as a result of falsifying expense reports. No company on Earth wants to deal with the savage realities of having a raving sex maniac for a CEO. But both Mark Hurd and Jodie Fisher know the truth, and now thanks to Heavy, so do you.