Comedy

Navy Commander Fired For Being “Unduly Familiar”

Navy Captain Fired

The Associated Press is reporting that “the Navy fired the commander of a San Diego-based ship for inappropriate behavior considered to be ‘unduly familiar’ toward his crew members.” But just what sort of “unduly familiar” behavior was the Captain engaged in?

- Asked crew members if he could borrow their Battle.net account passwords because the StarCraft 2 crack he downloaded wasn’t working

- Photoshopped the heads of his crew and himself into downloaded photographs: mostly the depression-era photographs of Walker Evans, but also clearly just a bunch of pictures he found on Flickr of friends having fun

- Asked crew members to critique a piece of short-fiction he was thinking about submitting to The Atlantic

- Admitted to a crew member that he didn’t know that much about football

- Taunted crew and staff by repeatedly chanting their social security numbers and mothers’ maiden names at them

- Kept asking crew if they remembered the time they saw that dead guy floating in the water, even though everyone had taken an oath to never talk about it again

- Repeatedly played his banjo at mandatory staff meetings in such a desperate, needy way that people felt uncomfortable asking him not to

- Made extremely life-like resin molds of crew members pelvises entirely from his imagination

- Knew everyone’s birthday, deathday

- Would sometimes finish his subordinates’ sentences for them, leading to several unprovoked attacks on Chinese fishing vessels

- Really took it hard when one of his crew members died in the line of duty

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