The New Blackberry Torch

Blackberry Torch

Research In Motion announced its new BlackBerry today, called the Torch, hoping to compete with the newest offerings from Apple and Google.  So what new features does the Torch bring to the table?

– Comes pre-banned in Dubai

– Really helps sell the lie that you have a job

– Exclusive BlackBerry-only ringtone teaches you how to Dougie

– Antenna can only be disabled by utilizing the unconventional grip called “the reverse fist”

– Sturdy construction helps it survive being thrown at emotionally needy children acting out to get your attention

– New Universal Search function is occasionally able to find half-assed, second-rate versions of iPhone apps that will work on your BlackBerry

– Bigger, brighter screen makes you 15% more likely to ignore homeless people

– Lack of a touchscreen means no more embarrassing accidentally calling your ex-girlfriend when you gingerly touch the photo of her in your contact list, lost in fond remembrances and dreaming of the future you might’ve had together

– That keyboard makes a huge difference in how fast you can fire off sexual fantasies to your coworkers

At least it’s not a Microsoft phone

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