Everything You Need To Know About Asteroids


Asteroids are in the news right now because a couple of them are apparently passing pretty close to Earth.  It seems like this happens every couple of years and when it does, the same things happen.  First, a bunch of nutjobs freak out and get all excited and act like the plot to Armageddon is about to play out and that the government is just lying to us when they say the asteroids aren’t going to hit us.  Then, the bored housewives and people who think The View is our modern day answer to Cicero and the boys get all worked up and start nattering on about what it all means.

Well, thankfully for them and for you, we here at Heavy are on top of it.  So, chill out, man, we got this.  Indeed.  Our team of scientists have been working around the clock to find all the answers for you, and after rousing me from a brutal Jack Daniels hangover, they spent seven whole hours drilling the information into my head.  They wouldn’t stop bothering me with it even while I was vomiting. Assholes.

Anyway, thanks to them, I’m an expert now, and I feel as if it is my duty to tell each and every one of you the truth about asteroids.

– For starters, an asteroid is a piece of the rubble from the planet Krypton, which was blown up by Darth Vader following a terrible battle with the USS Enterprise.

– Occasionally, this rubble will contain a tiny spaceship, inside of which can be found a baby.  This baby should be drowned in a nearby ditch or a toilet – whichever’s closer – and by no means should you attempt to adopt this baby. He has powers and will beat the hell out of you before his third birthday.

– Contrary to popular belief, an asteroid did not kill the dinosaurs.  This would have been impossible because dinosaurs were really big.  The truth is that dinosaurs went extinct because they became decadent and while they were all frolicking in orgies and getting hooked on smack, the infrastructure of their society crumbled.  Sad but true.

– You can shoot an asteroid but then it just breaks up into smaller pieces, which you then have to shoot.  But they’re harder to shoot because they’re smaller and so who needs the hassle?

– Also, you shouldn’t shoot at asteroids because if there is a baby hidden in there he might get mad and since he has powers he can come to Earth and kill us all because he thinks that all Earthlings are gun toting psychopaths and that would be bad.

– If a baby does manage to escape your drowning attempts, do not attempt to pursue him.  He is dangerous.  At that point, your only hope is to contact a man named General Zod.  He will know what to do.  He’s in the Yellow Pages.

– The average size of an asteroid is six inches, although I hear that black asteroids are sometimes larger.

There you have it, friends.  Those are all the relevant facts about asteroids. You can send the Nobel to Heavy and Heavy will make sure it gets to me, although I would prefer straight cash.  Thank you and always remember to beware of Asteroid babies.

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