The cast for season 11 of Dancing With the Stars has been revealed and with it, a gaggle of slackjawed Americans have begun gibbering about who will win the newest edition of America’s most inexplicable game show phenomenon. (Seriously, the show’s pitch is come watch a bunch of Grade Z celebrities dance. Am I missing something here?) We here at Heavy already know who’s going to win, though, thanks to a sophisticated computer model, a team of scientists, a crystal ball and a bag full of mushrooms. And so now, here, for the first time, we reveal the fate of each contestant on season 11 of Dancing With the Stars. That way, we don’t have to talk about it ever again.
Bolton will be eliminated when his deal with the devil is finally up and Satan sends a horde of demons to drag him down to hell. It will happen right in the middle of a samba and will result in record breaking ratings.
Fox will be eliminated when ex-wife Vanessa Williams shows up with a team of attorneys, unnerving him. Fox will just laugh it off, though, and go home with new girlfriend, Eliza Dushku. Wait . . . what? Indeed, it looks like the devil managed to scare up a new contract after cutting Bolton loose.
Cho will be eliminated after her partner hangs himself following her 189th imitation of her elderly Korean grandmother. Even her grandmother will be happy to see her go.
Florence Henderson, the former Mrs. Brady, will be eliminated when her partner accidentally breaks her hip. I mean, come on, she’s 76 years old. Who wants to watch some old lady dirty dancing? Oh well, at least they didn’t get Betty White. And you know that one’s coming.
Grey will be eliminated when no one recognizes her thanks to the disastrous nose job that changed her appearance completely. Sadly, Baby will indeed be put in a corner. Also, did you know that Baby is 50 years old now? Good Lord.
Oh, come on. We all know Hasselhoff is just going to be eliminated when he shows up drunk and staggers across the stage and then vomits on his partner. It’s basically the only reason he was cast. Next.
Palin will be eliminated after a jealous Levi Johnston shows up in a wife beater and attacks her partner with a hockey stick. The couple will leverage this into a special month long guest run on Maury.
Brandy will be eliminated when the ghost of the lady she killed in a car accident a few years back shows up and terrorizes everyone involved with this infernal production. On the bright side, Hasselhoff will be severely injured when he tries to drunkenly have sex with the ghost. Production will have to be halted for two whole weeks while the crew consults with a team of priests and Bill Murray about how to get rid of the ghost. The final conclusion will be that it will leave, but only if they get rid of Brandy. After all, that ghost is her problem, not theirs.
Patridge will be eliminated when her partner disappears into the cavernous gap in between her Frankensteinian fake breasts. A team of surgeons will be brought in to save the poor guy but it will be too late.
Warner will be eliminated when he quits the show because it’s “immoral” and because “dancing is a sin.” Or at least that will be the official reason. The real reason will be because his nag of a wife will become insanely jealous of his partner and will browbeat the poor fool into quitting.
MIKE “THE SITUATION” SORRENTINO
Ah, The Situation. The biggest star on the show. What? It’s true. Still, this won’t help him when he is eliminated after accidentally punching his partner in the face while inexplicably fist pumping during a waltz.
So, there you have it. The winner of season 11 of Dancing With the Stars is no one. Everyone involved with this damn show is a loser. That includes everyone watching and it includes me for writing about the show. May God have mercy on all of our souls.