Comedy

It Could Be War of the WAGS For Chilean Miners

Hooray! The trapped Chilean miners are free and we can now look forward to Oprah appearances, best selling books and at least one mediocre movie starring Keanu Reeves. And while the world rejoiced over the heroic efforts to rescue the miners, people’s ears really perked up when news broke that the miners had been getting a little side action and their lady friends started showing up to the rescue camp. Looks like Camp Hope has now become Camp Tramp- hey oh! It’s got all the trappings of one of those sexy Spanish soap operas, only with more dust and hard hats.

Let’s do a recap on the story circling these WAGs of the Chilean miners. News first broke that trapped miner Yonni Barrios’ wife Marta Salinas and his mistress Susana Valenzuela first met back in September when the two both tried sending suggestive photos to Yonni to raise his spirits. After a lot of screaming, it was decided that the only way to determine the true winner of Yonni’s heart would be a pudding wrestling match. But being that is Chile, flan was used instead. For cultural importance and stuff. The match was declared a draw, however only Susana Valenzuela showed up to greet Yonni upon his return to the surface. Our crack news team here at Heavy was able to elbow our way through the crowd of CNN and FOX News goons and get a couple words from Yonni upon his return.

“I am very happy to be out of the mine and can’t wait to get back to my old life. I’m pretty excited about The CW’s new fall lineup of shows and hear the McRib is coming back, so things are looking good, ” said Yonni. Concerning the situation between his wife and mistress Yonni seemed hopeful that they would all be able to work things out. “I think we’re all going to sit down with Dr. Phil and hash things out, I was leaning towards one of those Hedonism resorts, but you know how wives and mistresses are, “yap, yap, yap we need communication, yap, yap”.”

Apparently Yonni wasn’t the only one with some extra nookie in el barrio. Ay caramba! Reports are buzzing that at least one other miner has not two, not three, but four women all claiming to be entitled to the cold hard cash that will soon be coming his way. A wife he never divorced, a live in partner, a current girlfriend and a baby mama. Damn, somebody get this guy on Maury Povich asap! Needless to say, things are probably going to be a little awkward for this guy when he is released from his mandatory hospital checkup.

Mark my words, a FOX reality show television crew is already in the process of rounding up these wives and mistresses of the miners to take them to a mansion on a tropical island and have them compete for the love of the miners over a series of intimate dates and cage fighting. “Four trapped Chilean miners, 16 women who’s love runs deep (approximately 700 meters deep) who will win their hearts (and compensation packages)… coming this fall- Mining For Love.

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