Comedy

How to Make the Most of a Riot

England, Greece, Vancouver, the entire Middle East, wherever your particular riot happens to be going down, it’s important that you know how to make the most of your local anarchy festivities. Whether you’re rioting for some noble cause against the powers that be, or you’re simply a low life bad sport who’s upset over your team’s failure, there are certain dos and don’ts.

So You’ve Decided To Riot

Good for you! You’re making a stand and telling the world, “Hey everybody, I’m gonna break some shit just because I can!” Maybe you don’t even know why you’re rioting, but that’s not really important at this time. You’re off the couch, getting active and taking the world by the tail (to bash its head in), you’re a go-getter. Looks like all those smarty pants teachers and authoritative figures were wrong about you. Turns out you do have motivation, all it took was a few molotov cocktails to light that fire under your ass. Rioting works best in groups, so get out there and meet people.

It’s A Social Thing

Looting and burning police cars is plenty of fun solo, but in order to really make the most of your rioting experience you should pair up with some buddies. At first, you may feel a little bit timid about approaching other rioters, but that’s just your moral compass making one last effort to save face. Ignore it. That pesky thing has been keeping you from good times and unchanneled mayhem for far too long. When you see a group of rioters that look approachable make your move. It’s crucial that you let them know right up front that you are not some square law abiding citizen, but a brick-tossing heathen just like them. Try a friendly ice breaker, “Hey, do you guys like burning stuff, too?” A simple handshake, and your bond of social destruction is complete.

Gonna Need Some Gear

Just like any sport, you can’t riot properly without the right gear. And the great thing about rioting is that almost anything can became a tool of demolition. It’s a simple fact that the police are going to have better, far more sophisticated equipment than you, but hey, a challenge is half the fun. Look around your room and ask yourself, “Can this break stuff? Can this burn stuff?”
Still a little confused? Let me offer an example:

Riot Gear

Not too hard, right? And if you don’t have any good riot gear around your home, don’t worry, just go out and steal some, silly. Amazon is even offering some great deals for all you UK rioters.

Let The Fun Begin

Nobody can tell you exactly how to riot, just do what comes naturally. It’s like making love to a woman, if it feels good do it. You’re the ONLY one that matters. Enjoy!

Nothing Last Forever

So the rioting is over. Man, what a hell of a time you had, huh?

As you sit on the pavement, handcuffed and bleeding, gazing out over the smoldering city you once took pride in, take a moment to reflect. Think about all the good times you and your fellow hoodlums enjoyed. Breaking into that electronics store, torching that city bus, beating the innocent citizen for no apparent reason – woo, fun times! Sure, you may have brought unmeasurable shame on your family, friends and self, but dammit, you changed the system, man.

Right? …Kind of? … Just a little bit?… Okay, probably not at all.

Busted Rioter

*Editors note: the author, nor Heavy condones rioting. If you failed to comprehend the satire, you’re probably at the wrong site.

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