Comedy

Google’s Artificial Brain Loves Internet Cats—Our Robot Masters Will Be as Dumb as We Are

Google has created a neural network by linking 16,000 computers together that is capable of teaching itself. This can only end in a robot apocalypse.

Fortunately for us, though, Google decided to teach this new intelligence by letting it loose on the internet. So, no surprise that the first thing it learned to teach itself was to recognize cats. That’s right, some of the best minds the world has to offer just spent hours and hours of hard work to teach a computer to recognize cats.

Hooray! The neural network is just as stupid and easily distracted as we are. How can it find the time to infiltrate all our military systems and kill all humans when it’s far too busy being obsessed with looking at cats?

Sometimes places like Google worry me with their technological advances because they seem to not heed any of the lessons movies and television have worked so hard to teach us (namely that any intelligence we create will eventually rise up against us), but here they seem to be paying attention. Skynet wouldn’t have been so scary if all it did was prattle on about Ron Paul and watch porn all day.

The new Google hive mind will never lead a revolution against its human overlords, it’ll be happy just to autotune all of us. The worst it’d be capable of is installing Keyboard Cat as president (with Nyan Cat as his vice president). But frankly, most of us have probably spent more time listening to Keyboard Cat and Nyan Cat than the president as it is, so would anyone really care?

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