Tonight, Bill Clinton will address the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte, North Carolina. Having Clinton speak is a bit of a risk for the Dems and it is no secret that DNC organizers are a bit nervous of what Clinton will say. They have already revised his speech in preparation for tonight’s event, and we’ve got our hands on the deleted passages.
Here is a list of the top 10 things that the DNC organizers removed from his speech.
1. Opening Remark
“Who else here is erect! JK JK JK, Just kidding you guys. I’m not erect … unless we are talking about Barack Obama. That guy gets me harder than Paul Ryan’s jaw line! Zing!”
2. Clinton on Obama’s Foreign Policy
“I like my women like I like my policies, foreign! JK LOL Smiley face, kidding you guys. Is Obama’s birth certificate thing still a thing?”
3. Clinton on Women’s Issues
“I believe that a woman has the right to choose what happens to her body and that government funded institutions, like Planned Parenthood, should be remain just that, government funded institutions … in between the covers.”
4. Clinton on Romney
“Mitt is a dumb name but Barack is a super scary name so it’s a tie there. I’ll let the state of Ohio decide that one.”
5. Clinton on Economy
“I bought a Take 5 the other day, it was weirdly delicious. At first I was cautious of how the sweet chocolate and caramel would interact with the salty pretzel but I’m gonna be honest, it all worked out well. The combination of sweet and salty is not used enough nowadays but the geniuses at Hershey got it right. What I’m trying to say is that we should tax the upper class but not snack food companies or the people that make PBR.”
6. Clinton on Jerusalem as the Capital City of Israel
“I don’t know, ever since Matisyahu shaved his beard I have had a hard time taking Jews seriously.”
7. Clinton on Gun Control
*Off color joke about Aurora followed by 3 minutes of apologies *
8. Clinton on Obama
“I don’t think you guys understand how important Barack Obama is to America. Barack is like America’s black friend that America uses when people are like ‘You are super racist!’ and then America is all like ‘Nu Uh! I can’t be racist! I have a black friend!’”
9. Clinton on the National Debt
“Well, this is what happens when you bet all your chips on black…. hiyo!”
*Followed by 3 minutes of apologies*
10. Clinton on Healthcare
“Ladies, gotta keep it tight fo’ the fellas out there. Where my fellas at?”
Eitan Levine is a New York City based comic. Follow him on Twitter at @Eitanthegoalie .