There are but two things in this world more powerful than money. One is sex, and the other is bacon.
Josh Sankey doesn’t have the kind of body you can sell, so when the comedian set out to freeload his way across the country, he armed himself with an absurd amount of the most glorious meat product invented by God.
Actually, Oscar Mayer supplied it. The former employer of Paul Ryan conspired with Sankey to topple the American currency system, fueling the Great American Bacon Barter by granting the portly funnyman enough bricks of Butcher Thick Cut Bacon to build a Great Wall of Pig.
Sankey is literally hauling a trailer full of 3,000 pounds of bacon from New York to L.A., going coast to coast with zero cash, cards or checks. He’ll rely only on the goodness of Americans and the goodness of bacon — wielding this powerful trading chip to finagle whatever he wants from whomever he wants.
So far it’s working.
Sankey kicked off the cross-country adventure over the weekend at the Jets’ opener, crashing the tailgate party with a red-wagonload of bacon. His goal: Score tickets to the game. With bacon.
He stacked his odds with a hot chick — Heavy.com’s own Camille Burford, host of The Movie Show. It’s debatable whose seduction tugged harder on fans’ hearts — Camille’s or the bacon’s — but the result was clear: You don’t need cash if you have bacon. After some warm-up barters, they scored their seats.
Without help from Ben Bernanke or Paul Krugman, the Jets’ tailgate marketplace established its own economy and set benchmarks for the basis of the American Bacon Bartering System. We now know that, in the Meadowlands at least, one brick of bacon buys you a tailgate chair, but it takes six bricks to barter Jets tix for you and a babe.