Comedy

Five Questions You’re Guaranteed to Hear at Tonight’s Presidential Debate

Round two of the Presidential Debate is on for tonight, this time with the added curve ball of audience members asking the questions. Don’t worry though, the moderator has chosen a select few that are deemed objective, just in case any nutjobs decide to start asking about the hidden missiles.

Our team of political savvy correspondents (monkeys doped up on Red Bull) have pinpointed the five most likely questions that will be asked in the debate. And to make things even more intriguing, we’ve added the candidates’ “what the people want to hear” response.

Different parties you say? Liberal vs Conservative? Donkey vs Elephant?
Stop drinking the Kool-aid my friend, here’s the truth from both sides of the dogfight.

The Question: How will you combat the overseas job surge? American industries have been lured by cheaper wage and manufacturing regulations to take the jobs that hard working Americans need out of the country.

What they’re really saying: We lack the education, experience, or economic standing to make it in todays growing industries. Please mercy us, great overlords, and let us solder together iPhones for crap wages while we help perpetuate a vicious cycle of poverty and obsolete job security.

The Answer: Our administration plans to invigorate the economy by offering tax breaks and other lucrative incentives to companies that keep jobs in house (at least for a year or two).

What they’re really saying: Yes my, sweet drones, you will have ample opportunity to gather sugar for the hives when you expect as little from your job prospects as the Chinese do.


The Question: Gas prices have continued to soar with no end in sight. What would you do to help stop this trend, and curb the dependence on foreign oil?

What they’re really saying: I’d do anything in my power to help lessen the demand for fossil fuels except stop driving the 2.5 industrial era monstrosities currently slumbering at my residence. Also, if you need to rape the natural beauty of our native land, or send a few more thousand soldiers to some third world hell hole, feel free, it justifies the vast mountains of entitlement I possess.

The Answer: The gas crisis is a fixable problem. By developing our own alternative energy sources, we can create our own market place, all the while lessening out reliance on foreign resources.

What they’re really saying: The oily fat cats that put me in office have way more sway and stacks of bills than any of you shmoes ever will. We’re gonna tap this keg until the last drop, and then we’ll switch to a new limited resource we can effectively milk for the next hundred or so years. Enjoy your “hybrids”.



The Question: The Syrian regime has piled up a death toll exceeding 30,000, with most of these being civilian casualties. How long will the U.S. wait to directly intervene?

What they’re really saying: I don’t know anything about foreign policy, or directly care about the current state of the Syrian people, but I know this is a bad thing. You’re supposed to stop the bad people because we’re the good guys. Why don’t you just bomb them until everything is better?

The Answer: We condemn the tactics taken by the Syrian government, and their use of force has not been ignored by the global community. Sanctions and further hardline tactics are necessary to show them we mean business.

What they’re really saying: Syria? You give a crap about Syria? Seriously name a city in that country. Here’s my plan: I’ll add it to the list of places where bad shit happens every day and hates us for various long standing ideological differences.


The Question: What’s your stance on abortion? This issue is extremely personal to me, and my opinion on the matter is very strong. Do you feel this practice is ethical, and if so do you think it should be covered by insurance?

What they’re really saying: Due to my religious beliefs, background, or personal experiences, there’s no way you could possibly change my mind on this subject. If you don’t mirror my exact position on this issue I will not only not vote for you, but I will label you a monster. I look forward to watching you squirm and feign conflicted moral arguments in your head.

The Answer: Abortion is a delicate topic that I have thought about a great deal. This divisive and debated issue is one that encompasses the differences between myself and the other candidate.

What they’re really saying: Thank God you asked this question. Maybe next we could talk about flag burning. The longer we dwell on these trivial social agendas that now divide the two major parties, the easier it is for me to delude you into the sense that I have any idea what I’m doing. I have no idea why your ridiculous obsession with an issue that was settled by the Supreme Court in 1973 is an intrinsic key to your political allegiance.



The Question: Would you consider student loan forgiveness or possible federal tuition funding? By 2012, total student debt is expected to reach $1 trillion, and effects recent graduates the most.

What they’re really saying: I just majored in a dead language and have no job prospects due to your lame ass economy, and the fact that I’m qualified to do nothing by the joke you call the American education system. After taking bong hits and trying to get laid for the past four years (4.5 or 5 depending if you went to Arizona) my parents are cutting me off and I have a six figure noose that is crushing my soul. Do you even know how much Bonaroo is gonna cost next year?!

The Answer: It’s important to encourage students from lower income households to strive for higher education. College should not just be for the select few, it is a privilege that should be enjoyed by all hard working young Americans.

What they’re really saying: There’s no way in hell I’m doing any of that.

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