KABOOM! The 9 Worst Deep-Fried Turkey Fails of All Time

Five minutes, it’s gonna be so tender.

With national turkey slaughter day rapidly approaching, perhaps you’ve been considering alternative culinary approaches for this year’s bird. That’s when you saw the turkey-frying kit at the local Safeway. Well, good for you, if there’s a tradition more American than Thanksgiving, it would be a Thanksgiving with hot grease. But tread lightly, brave traveler, for the sweet white meat you crave is surrounded by a lake of fire. So don’t be like these people, and take the necessary precautions.

Seriously, if the pot is blazing before you even put the bird in, there may be an intrinsic error in your ability to prepare for this event. Also, extra points for the Blair Witch-style camera work at the end as you abandon the scene in terror.

I’m not sure what novelty shop you bought that fire extinguisher at, but evidently it’s not the variety necessary to put out vats of burning oil. May that flame light the whole world!

This would be better if Jim Brown weren’t force-feeding asinine one-liners the whole time, but I digress. I love this clip because of the subtle bits of dreary self-realization, it’s like he knows the turkey is a metaphor for his life.

In case you didn’t think this was a serious issue, now you know. The Shat man doesn’t waste time on things that don’t matter. Now kick back and listen to that sweet spoken word version of Rocket Man. That’s the stuff, Daddio.

I give the guy credit for the little judo kick to save the whole garage from going up like a Christmas tree. A special day indeed.

By all scientific measure this guy should be holed up in some podunk burn ward, and yet he escapes unscathed as liquid death rains into the open pyre. It’s like a beautiful dance between life and death … but with really, really, dumb people.

The little cook outfit you’re wearing loses some of its credibility when the tiki hut explodes.

Hey, you want eyebrows, or you want turkey? You can’t have both.

It was a nice touch that they built a little deck for the turkey. I feel they should have gone further, though, maybe put a pizza oven in the back, or a Coi pond for better atmosphere when the whole thing implodes.

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