KABOOM! The 9 Worst Deep-Fried Turkey Fails of All Time

Five minutes, it’s gonna be so tender.

With national turkey slaughter day rapidly approaching, perhaps you’ve been considering alternative culinary approaches for this year’s bird. That’s when you saw the turkey-frying kit at the local Safeway. Well, good for you, if there’s a tradition more American than Thanksgiving, it would be a Thanksgiving with hot grease. But tread lightly, brave traveler, for the sweet white meat you crave is surrounded by a lake of fire. So don’t be like these people, and take the necessary precautions.

This would be better if Jim Brown weren’t force-feeding asinine one-liners the whole time, but I digress. I love this clip because of the subtle bits of dreary self-realization, it’s like he knows the turkey is a metaphor for his life.

In case you didn’t think this was a serious issue, now you know. The Shat man doesn’t waste time on things that don’t matter. Now kick back and listen to that sweet spoken word version of Rocket Man. That’s the stuff, Daddio.

By all scientific measure this guy should be holed up in some podunk burn ward, and yet he escapes unscathed as liquid death rains into the open pyre. It’s like a beautiful dance between life and death … but with really, really, dumb people.

It was a nice touch that they built a little deck for the turkey. I feel they should have gone further, though, maybe put a pizza oven in the back, or a Coi pond for better atmosphere when the whole thing implodes.

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