With a record-smashing 500-million-dollar Powerball jackpot being announced tonight, there’s a lot of talk about what people would do with the winnings. It’s mostly altruistic mumbo-jumbo about building orphanages and paying off grandma’s mortgage. But let’s face it, a lot of people aren’t that nice. Some people, maybe even a lot of people, are degenerate a-holes. So what if it’s not some kindly old couple from Small-town, Anywhere who wins the largest lottery in history? What if it’s some Charles Manson type with an axe to grind? Or maybe it’s one of those people who spends their days posting cat pics on Facebook. Money buys power, and not everyone should have it. The lottery is a lottery in more ways than one. But, being the kind of altruistic people who do deserve to win the lottery, Heavy has done the world the favor of determining 10 of the worst things that could be done with 500 million dollars, so that we can head them off. It’s a before tax figure because these folks definitely don’t contribute to society.
Some of these would be pretty difficult to pull off, like purchasing a couple of the remaining Iowa class battleships (#4). But a crafty person could do it. The list ranges from evil (#3), to just useless (#10). Either way, they represent the sliding scale of horrible lottery purchases.
1. Make Pirates Of The Caribbean 5 (Cost: $300M)
The only thing worse would be doing a plot tie-in with your other project, Saw 8. And yes, we know that since the last movie made over a billion dollars that it’s probably going to happen anyway…but we’re really hoping it doesn’t. Please, Mr. Bruckheimer, stop.
2. Buy All of the Remaining Zunes and Really Push It (Cost: Apprx $500M)
Microsoft’s Zune media-player never was able to wrestle away a reasonable market share from Apple. Give it another shot by financing its return.
3. Finance the Taliban For a Year (Cost: $400M)
The Taliban gets its money from taxes, extortion, and donations. Help them cut out the middleman and simultaneously make a CIA hit-list by ponying up a year’s worth of funds.
4. Buy a Historic Battleship and Sink it With Your Other, Less Historic Battleship
Just a couple pieces of American history and you, clinging to a mast on the open seas while screaming “I sunk my battleship!” Procuring a couple of the four remaining Iowa class Battleships might not be the easiest thing in the world, but being an evil-genius never is.
5. Use Your Remaining Battleship to Become a Pirate (Cost: Probably your life)
Sounds like a glamorous idea, especially after making Pirates 5, but it’s a hard-knock life out there on the open seas. Jack Sparrow never had to worry about Navy S.E.A.L’s or trigger-happy Russian battleships.
6. Hire Andrew “Dice” Clay to Perform Everyday for 50 Years (Cost: $498M)
It’ll just be you, the Dice man, and those people who still wear gold chains and track suits. Oh, and cocaine. Lots of cocaine.
7. Chop Down 2,900,293 Acres of the Amazon Rain Forest (Cost: $500M)
The equivalent of punching the entire Earth in the face. It would be hard to be a bigger troll than that.
8. Donate Money to the Westboro Baptist Church Organization
(Cost: 500M + a beat-down by the Patriot Guard Riders)
Finance generations of unchecked hate by donating to one of the creepiest organizations ever.
9. Rig an Election (Cost: $500M)
Exert your evil influence over the population by turning those dollars into policies. Could you rig a presidential election? Debatable. But a governor election? Absolutely.
10. Form A Movie Studio That Only Produces Jean-Claude Van Damme Movies (Cost: $500M)
We’ve always felt that the Blood Sport franchise wasn’t nearly halfway through.