Now that Thanksgiving has thankfully passed us by, it’s officially the holiday shopping season. If you’ve been doing this for as long as most of us, you’re sick to hell of the whole business but are still bound to plunk down your hard-earned cash to validate your friends and families’ fragile psyches and materialistic addictions. Since you’re a self-centered egotistical loner, you’ve got no idea what to get anyone, do you? Not to fret, because we’ve got you covered with the lamest and sweetest gift ideas for the holiday season. Ho Ho Ho.
For the Woman in Your Life
Nothing screams “I grabbed the first thing I saw at Anthropology” like scented candles. First off, I guarantee you she’s got a closet full of the same crap from old boyfriends who were only slightly more inconsiderate than you. You don’t want to be one of those guys. That whole fantasy you have about an aromatic sandlewood hunk of wax setting “the mood” just right … not gonna happen.
It’s Zooey Deschanel‘s fault, really, but now every girl that’s tragically hip is strumming the little bastards. That being said, this annoying Hawaiian contraption will somehow transform your mopey self-loathing companion into an adorable singer-songwriter. If she’s not into it, just take it back and get some candles or something.
For Your Best Buddy…With a Drinking Problem
We all have one, that lovable oaf that still lives at home and is addicted to OxyContin. It would depress you if it didn’t make you feel better about your own failed existence, not to mention that watching him pound down those watery American hops gives you some warm displaced sense of patriotism. Where was I? Yes, the case of discount rack beer move. It’s not the worst one in the world, considering it will actually make him pretty happy, but the savvy buyer should find something more suitable.
It’s time to class the dope up. A few nice glasses, chilled stones, and middleshelf bourbon will do the trick nicely. Watch in wonder as that extra tire deflates and he begins shaving again and becomes interested in things other than college football and chicken wings. Every gentleman needs a quality whiskey set, and additionally a good sipping buddy. That’s where you come in.
For The Little Girl You See Twice a Year
Fine, I’ll be the one to say it. Dolls are @#^%*ing terrifying. You ever walk into a grown woman’s childhood room? Beyond the peeling pink wallpaper lie the hundreds of dead listless glass eyes, cracked porcelain lips, and broken nests of horse hair. Spare her this fate.
Little girls do not need to listen to boy bands, they need to listen to Wanda Jackson. If you need to ask why, then you obviously never listened to Wanda Jackson.
For The Little Boy Who Sorely Lacks a Role Model
I’m literally haunted by the memories of excitedly ripping through tissue paper in hopes of finding a Ninja Turtle action figure, only to encounter yet another horrendous knit garb. Why do we do this? Are the young men of this country slowly freezing to death? Kids hate sweaters. They’re hot, itchy, and usually adorned with snowmen or some other stupid crap they didn’t get to choose because adults keep anonymously forcing upon them. It’s time for the little fella to grow up.
Want to endear yourself forever to the little guy? Buy him a gun. I hear you, I’m not trying to encourage the next Columbine, and I believe in stricter gun-control laws, but there’s a time and a place for all that. Get him an Airsoft Rifle, and go have one of those father-son bonding moments while lighting up some tin cans. Next, take his sweater collection and burn through a few of those…except the cashmere.
For The Baby
Stuffed animals are a melange of confusing materials, irritating jingles, and apparent reindeer abuse. Also babies have like 800 of them already, that’s what babies do.
There’s an exception for the Twilight Turtle, which is a toy that actually puts the kid to sleep and gives you the much-needed respite you need to avoid going on a sleep-deprivation-fueled massacre. If it’s not your kid, then the parents will be indebted to you as well — and probably give you whiskey. That might be wishful thinking though.
For Those People Who Made You/Took You In From the Wilderness
Hey, what does Dad like? Hmm, well he’s old, so I guess we’ll get him socks. This is actually what went through your head wasn’t it? Don’t you lie to me. Well you’re not far off from the right gift, actually, because old people are boring and need socks, but this is a tired trend. Fortunately technology has transformed this hypothesis into…wait…what comes after hypothesis again?
Boom, cue the fireworks, cause it’s gonna be like Fourth of July in this mother. Battery-powered heated socks are gonna rock your Momma and Daddy’s toes like marshmallows over a campfire. This is the coolest thing ever.