Comedy

The Top 10 Reasons Thanksgiving is Evil


Soon the majority of us will be sitting on a couch somewhere, unhinging the top button on our slacks and slowly drifting into a lovely tryptophan-induced slumber. But that’s just the devil that’s got ahold of you, son! Thanksgiving is an evil holiday down to its giblet-soaked core, and we’ve got the goods to prove it. So see the light, friends, and have an extra helping of truth with your butter-soaked side dishes this holiday, with our Top 10 Reasons Thanksgiving is Evil.

1. The Pilgrims Had an Abusive Relationship With Squanto

“I’m sorry I hit you baby, I swear it’ll never happen again.”


You all know the story. When the Pilgrims came to Plymouth, they were unprepared for the harsh New England winter, and had no idea how to create a sustainable food source in their new digs. Maybe they thought the place would be raining kidney pie and mushy peas, who’s to say? Then Squanto the noble savage appeared, and taught the poor schmucks how to grow a few crops and bathe more frequently. It’s a wonderful love story we break wishbones annually to, but there’s a bit more to this romance.

Squanto, or Tisquantum, had been previously kidnapped from home by Thomas Hunt, sold into slavery, rescued by Spanish monks, and sweet talked his way back into the New World. When he got back to his old stomping grounds, he discovered small pox (a European disease) had killed off his tribe, and a great number of the surrounding indigenous people. How the hell the Pilgrims convinced him to help them is beyond me, was hot English loving really that hard to pass up?

So after all that, he still decides to help them through the winter, and stays on as a translator/diplomat to ease tensions with the natives. It ended up destroying his reputation with both groups of people, and it’s speculated he was eventually poisoned by the Wampanoag for helping out his uptight pale amigos. Or, it’s possible he too died of small pox, considering the limeys were handing that sh*t out like chiclets.


2. The Pilgrims Were Thankful for the Demise of the Indians

Prior to the Mayflower bumping down the Atlantic, there had been several trade expeditions to the area where Europeans had interacted with Native Americans. Basically those consisted of taking on slaves and subjecting the local population to a plethora of disease.

One of these trips was responsible for the deaths of 96 percent of the Indian people in the area, which Squanto could certainly testify to. With the help and tolerance of the grossly diminished Indian civilization, the Pilgrims were able to make it through the winter and harvest crops. Here’s how John Winthrop described the outbreak of smallpox on the region and its inhabitants:


Thanks for killing off all those people, God, now we can run the place. Who wants turkey?


3. We Kill 45 Millions Birds in One Day

“Sorry Darlin’, guess you won’t be gettin stuffed this year after all.”


I won’t get all PETA on you, and cry about how we should have evolved past eating meat by now, but 45 million? That’s 15 percent of the entire population in the United States, which comparatively to the 35 percent eaten over the 364 other days of the year, is friggin ridiculous. But it’s tradition, right?

While the pilgrims probably did have turkey on their table for the first feast (no one really knows), the bird has taken center stage on the holiday due to it’s availability and relative cheapness. Other fowl including geese, swans, and pheasants were all common holiday fare, but by the time President Lincoln declared Thanksgiving a national holiday, turkeys were by far the most financially viable. They had no continuous economic value as say chickens (eggs), or cows (labor), and were easier to raise, not to mention could feed a whole litter of people. Additionally the tradition goes back deeper to England, where turkey was eaten on special occasions as a new world delicacy.

Ben Franklin wanted to make it the national symbol. I tell ya, no respect, no respect at all.


4. We Give Thanks by Inhaling as Much Food as Humanly Possible

What better way to show our gratitude for our blessings than to stuff our faces shamelessly while surrounded by friends and family? In a nation that is literally not only the fattest in the world, but is on pace to eclipse a 42% obesity rate by 2030 , we’ve decided to forgo chewing on Thanksgiving. Put…the…fork…down.


5. It Encourages Your Weird Ass Family to Come Over

We’re so glad you could make it


Yeah, yeah, family is so important these days. Every jackass on reality television pretends to live by this code of “family comes first,” and then proceeds to sell them out to the highest bidder. Admit it, there’s like three people in your extended family you give a crap about, and the rest are bizarre social rejects you’ve failed to mention to your significant other. I know Hollywood has crammed it down your throat that your racist Grandma or alcoholic Uncle are as American as cheese on apple pie, but lets get real. This is one of two days in the year you’re obligated to see these people, and this time they don’t even bring gifts!


6. The Detroit Lions Will Be on Television

“This is way better than being with my kids!”


It’s like a cruel prank, where they give us football on a Thursday, only to have it snatched by those Honolulu-blue-wearing mofo’s. We all have fond memories of Barry Sanders running for 300 yards, only to have the Lions still lose by 50, not to mention John Madden promoting his most recent abomination of mutant poultry, but why are we subjected to this annually? Now they hand out a trophy called the Galloping Gobbler to the best player of the game, in some sad attempt to give the game a greater importance. Thankfully you’ll probably be so slogged on turkey flesh and whiskey that you won’t be conscious for the end of it.


7. You’re Forced to Travel

*shudder*


If the show isn’t at your house, then you fall into the hellhole that is the American transportation system. Either you battle the thousands at the airport, where blizzards, fog and locusts will rain hell on your departure time, or you’re stuck on a road trip through three states you spent your youth desperately escaping. Coming home has never been so much fun in a post 9/11 security line, or counting the corn rows in the armpit of the country.


8. Leftovers Will Haunt You For Weeks


Before you start your diatribe about how this is the best part of the whole thing, spare me your colloquial witticisms and ridiculous attempts at convincing anyone that Thanksgiving isn’t wasteful. How many bags of crap did you put out the day after, let alone the vast majority of green beans, freezer-burned potatoes, or parched turkey breasts that’ll be rotting accordingly into next week. Who doesn’t love eating dry sinewy chunks of white meat with tart pre-frozen jelly for an entire week? Everyone, that’s who! You load up your plate on Thanksgiving with the good stuff, and the leftovers are a sad motley crew of mishmash no one had any intention of ingesting. So while you’re enjoying the slimy pomegranate-seeded stuffing concoction your Aunt Ida left to die, tell me again how this is the “best part.”


9. We’re Subjected to an Autumn Harvest Nightmare

Just a big old pile of penises.


It’s all very impressive when your host constructs a pile of albino miniature pumpkins and pinecones to adorn the dinner table, but there’s just no end to it. Everywhere you look is draped in burnt orange and Indian corn, not to mention the collection of blatantly phallic gourds that surround the place.


10. The Pilgrims Were Actually Socialists

This is what the tea party believes.


I’m just kidding, those people are idiots.

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