Sometimes you eat a duck. Sometimes you eat a chicken. Sometimes you eat a turkey. Sometimes you give that chicken a “duck colonoscopy” and then shove that concoction into a turkey. That day is known as Thanksgiving.
Turduckens have been a Thanksgiving day staple for the past couple of years. Blue-blooded Americans from around the nation pay homage to our pilgrim forefathers with this duck-chicken-turkey hybrid (or shall I say “hyBIRD”! #nailedit). But remember, this is America. We don’t do things half-assed here. The grand canyon is the BIGGEST canyon, Detroit is the WORST city and NSYNC was the all-time BEST boy band (suck it One Direction!). What I’m trying to say is that America goes above and beyond the call of duty. Turduckens are no exception to the rule.
Here is our list of the top 10 Turducken creations:
You can find the Turducken burger at Smokin’ Betty’s in Philadelphia. This Duck-Turkey-Chicken burger is topped with gravy, stuffing, yam slices and then put into a bun.
2. The Epic Meal Time PigbacoTurBacoDuckbacoQuailbaconHenbacoEn
5 birds (chicken, duck, turkey, quail and hen) shoved into a pig. Also, there seemed to be some bacon in this meal.
3. Cake Turducken (Cherpumple Cake)
This is a three-layer cake (yellow cake, spice cake and white cake) with a pie baked inside each layer (cherry, pumpkin, apple). Diabeetus.
4. Deep Fried Turducken
Traditionally, the Turducken is stuffed and then baked in an oven. Well, this family decides to kick up the ‘Murica on this 3-bird and shove it into a turkey frier.
5. Cheeseball Turducken
Cream cheese lined with chorizo covered in Manchego covered in figs draped in emmentaler covered in cheddar covered in blue cheese wrapped in goat cheese covered in bacon and walnuts. Yup.
6. The Turbaconducken
Regular Turducken but mummified in bacon strips. Diabeetus.
7. The Veggieducken
This is on the list not because I agree but because I want people to rebel against this abomination. It’s yams cooked inside of stuffing which is cooked inside a banana squash. How dare those hippies ruin this piece of Americana with vegetables!
8. Easter Turducken
This lil’ culinary gem is a Cadbury egg shoved into a peep and then shoved into a chocolate Easter bunny.
9. Pizza Turducken
Italy meets America! Totino Pizza Rolls are sandwiched into some hot pockets and then wrapped in a DiGiorno’s pizza pie. Ok, you got me, this is as Italian as Snooki’s spray tan.
10. The Turducken of Weed
Oh, you crafty stoners! Sometimes you do stuff that is brilliant. Most of the time you play N64 and take naps.
Eitan Levine is a New York City based comic. Follow him on Twitter at @Eitanthegoalie .