Comedy

7 Crop Circles that Predict the Mayan Apocalypse: a 2012 Guide

Not Again!


With the December 21st deadline looming large, our extra-terrestrial amigos have been upping their game with several Mayan-themed crop circles as of late. The incredibly detailed patterns and shapes are popping up across the British countryside in an attempt to either alert us to the coming disasters, or just rub it in our faces. Here’s just a few Mayan Crop Circles with analysis from experts in the field, and our smartass Ancient Mayan correspondent Pakal.

Known as the “Quetzalcoatl headdress,” this beauty popped up in 2009, just outside Silbury Hill in Southern England. Noting its similarity to the Aztec ruler Montezuma’s head piece, it gained national attention. The design itself houses several dots and wedges that represent unique and intentional numerical values, that could possibly be interpreted to mean upcoming cosmic events.

Karen Alexander, a so-called enthusiast of such phenomena, rambled incoherently to The Telegraph, “It appears to be a warning about the world coming to an end when the calendar does. For the ancient Maya, reaching the end of a cycle was a momentous event, so we are taking this crop circle very seriously as an indicator of a possibly huge event in 2012.”

Pakal’s Take : Hey, Karen, I bet reaching the end of your cycle is a pretty momentous event too.


Wiltshire Field had one surface in 2004, this one given the dubious title of the “Doomsday Crop Circle” by local media. This giant wheel of Mayan symbols includes the symbol for a jaguar snout, which represent a portal to the underworld. Other interpretations include that the wheel serves as sort of “Calendar Clock,” in which the months are counting down to 2012. The center of the layout shows a collapsing sun, and thus the termination for the age of the Fifth Sun.

Pakal’s Take : Yeah, they were throwing those jaguar snouts all over the place. Honestly, I think it could’ve used a few more turtle vaginas.



This 2005 doozy hails from Wayland’s Smithy, and no I’m not making up these ridiculous names. According to experts, this pattern is an attempt to convey the galactic allignment. That essentially means the allignment of the December solstice sun in relation to the Galactic equator. This event occurs once every 26,000 years, and was penciled in as the ending of the Mayan Calendar.

Pakal’s Take : I’m very flattered you’ve taken our astrological studies so seriously, I’m hoping you adopt our policies regarding human sacrifice and hallucinogens as well.


The Woolstone Hill circle is considered one of the most intricate and complicated designs ever made. Also emerging in 2005, the design would take incredible skill to replicate with anything except alien laser beams. The circle actually makes use of the Sun-Venus calendar, which the Mayans used alongside their Long Count calendar. Six of the knots or collapsing cubes along the interior square are identical, and thus could translate to the coming of the Sixth Sun, or the end of days.

Pakal’s Take : This looks waaaaay cooler on Peyote.



Playing along with the theme of Galactic allignment, this bad boy was an effort to illustrate the orbit and location of the planets in relation to the sun. Although a few planets and moons are missing, some folks claim this circle has a greater importance.

Pakal’s Take : Don’t give me any of this Pluto isn’t a planet anymore bulls%#t. Seriously, I’m a Scorpio, and that really screws up the whole home planet bit.



From West Woodhay in 2011, here’s a diagram to help you see the meaning behind some of the numbers. The outlining shape for the path of circles is that of the “feathered serpent,” which is a common mythical creature among Meso-American cultures. The circles themselves work as a Venus-Sun calendar, accurately predicting the alignment of these with earth to the day.

Pakal’s Take : This one also works as a code for picking the winning Powerball numbers. Good luck, mortal fools.



As detailed above, this Windmill Hill circle also utilizes spheres to outline the Mayan calendar. Taking into consideration cycles of the moon, by assigning dates to the smaller trailing circles, we are able to accurately place a full moon on the date that corresponds with the largest interior circle. Thus, while not directly alluding to the coming apocalypse, we can see the crop circles using the Mayan Long Count Calendar to predict cosmic events.
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Pakal’s Take : Spoiler Alert: It’s a giant galactic penis.

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