Guys, it is time to face the facts. We have like four more days to live before the Mayan calendar devours us like Chris Christie devours free samples at Costco. The end is coming and there is nothing we can do to stop it.
It was a good run, planet Earth. We had our ups (Democracy, Electricity, Fire, etc.) and our downs (World War 2, The Lohans, Snuggies). We did some awesome things and we kicked some ass and let’s be honest about us humans, we reigned supreme over the animal kingdom (SUCK IT, LIONS).
In the off chance that 2013 does in fact happen, here is our guide on how to navigate through the new year. We’re covering everything important you will need to know to make sure that you come out on top by the time 2014 comes rolling around … if it even does.
Here are the 15 most important things that will happen in 2013:
1. Angus T. Jones will “save” Lindsay Lohan
Angus will run into Lindsay at some Hollywood event for actors/actresses who everyone now hates. Angus will say something like “Have you ever read the good book?” and hand Lindsay a bible. Lindsay will have a religious epiphany and the two will marry and raise their kids in Utah.
2. Mitt Romney will get ABSURDLY fat
Mitt Romney becomes depressed after the election. He keeps it bottled up inside and eats his feelings away. He balloons to 400 pounds but then loses the weight in 2014 thanks to “Paul Ryan’s Total Frat Bod” workout.
3. The Ikea Monkey will get a reality show on TLC
TLC gives the Ikea Monkey his own reality TV show. His signature catch phrase? “You Better Chimp-ecognize!”
4. The Jets will win a Superbowl
Mark Sanchez slips on a football and hurts his arm. When they take the cast off they realize that his muscles became inflamed and they make his arm work like a wound-up rubber band. He soon figures out that this injury makes his arm stronger and he becomes one of the best quarterbacks in the league. He brings the Jets to the Superbowl but hurts his arm in the 4th quarter. The injury makes the swelling go down and he realizes that his arm no longer has super strength. He is forced to play with a regular arm but wins the game by using his wit and believing in himself. They win the Superbowl and Mark’s mother begins to date Mark’s mentor, Chet “Rocket” Steadman.
5. Honey Boo Boo will become U.S. ambassador to the Middle East
As peace talks in the Middle East begin to break down between Israel and Palestinians, the U.S. State Department takes a new approach to maintaining a civil relationship between the two regions. Honey Boo Boo is brought in and made an official ambassador to Israel. She fixes the crisis with cheeseballs and go-go juice and returns back to Georgia an American hero.
6. Bravo will air a show called Real Housewives of Langley that features everyone involved in the General Petraeus Scandal
The series gets pulled after four episodes for being “too hot for cable TV.”
7. Joe Biden and Mitt Romney switch places for a month. No one notices. They then admit it at a press conference and we all have a big laugh.
Parent Trap ELECTION STYLE! We all have a good laugh and learn a valuable lesson about family values and friendship.
8. Chris Christie will get really thin. Like REALLY thin. Like Nicole Richie thin.
Thanks to Dr. Atkins, moderation and an active lifestyle, Governor Christie gets in shape, then he gets awkwardly fit and then becomes scary thin. By the time we hit 2014, people begin to fear that Chris Christie is addicted to weight loss. He leaves his post as governor and moves in with the Olsens in their fancy SOHO apartment in NYC. He then gets an internship at Vogue and begins a successful career as a fashion journalist.
9. Glenn Beck makes a landmark appearance on Rachel Maddow’s show. The two argue for 15 minutes and then passionately make out for a half hour on air.
“YOU HIPPY LIBERAL COMMUNIST”
“YOU GUN TOTING REDNECK TOOL BAG”
*Steaming hot makeout session occurs*
10. Paul Ryan’s abs are named by People magazine to be the “Sexiest Man Alive”
This is the first time that a body part, and not a whole man, is given the title.
11. Angry Cat learns to talk. He tells us he is angry because LOST ended without answering all of his questions.
Grumpy Cat admits to being angry at the lack of closure he experienced from LOST. During an interview, Grumpy Cat admits to plotting an elaborate kidnapping of J.J. Abrams family in order to extort “What the friggin deal was with those damn alternate universes?” but not going through with the plans for logistical reasons. When asked what those logistical reasons were, Grumpy cat said “The fact that I’m a cat.”
12. Grindr buys Reddit
Grindr will then go down in the record books as having committed the biggest Troll of all-time.
13. Mark Zuckerberg will copyright the phrase “Zuck’d Up”
Mark gets angry at a journalist who asks what he thought about Facebook’s failure to capitalize on going public. Mark says he doesn’t want to think about it but the journalist keeps pressing for a response. Mark then says “Man, stop asking me about that. That’s Zuck’d up.” The phrase goes viral and Mark makes more money.
14. NSYNC Makes a Hilariously Short Comeback Attempt Without Justin Timberlake
Joey Fatone calls JC Chasez and they decide to get the band back together. Joey asks his mother if he can borrow the car so that he can go and pick up the other guys. Joey’s mother lets him borrow the car as long as he returns it by 9. Joey picks up JC, Chris and Lance, they head over to Justin’s house.
“Hey! JT! We’re getting the band back together! Let’s go! My mom let me borrow the car!”
“I’m Sorry, I don’t 100% know who you are…”
“It’s me! Joey Fatone, from NSYNC, the band we were in that launched your career.”
“Yeesh, not ringing a bell. Sorry! Here, how about an autograph?”
Joey gets back into the car. It is a silent and awkward drive home. Joey gets the car home by 8:45 so his mother doesn’t get angry.
15. EVERYONE GETS GAY MARRIED!!!!!
Eitan Levine is a New York City based comic. Follow him on Twitter at @Eitanthegoalie .