Comedy

5 Hollywood Doomsday Scenarios That Would Suck

As we’re all aware by now, the next predicted apocalypse is up at bat on Dec 21. You know, the world is going to disintegrate because a calendar that a dead civilization made is ending. Yeah, it’s ridiculous, made more so by the fact that NASA scientists felt compelled to dispel everyone’s fears.
Even if the apocalypse does happen, Hollywood has taught us over the years that the world won’t immediately end. No, apparently quite a few people will get to linger around, looting grocery stores, stealing cars, and cutting off peoples arms with machetes. Sounds pretty sweet, right? Maybe not. Here are five cheesy movies that create post-apocalyptic scenarios that would suck.

1. Waterworld
Why it would suck:The world is covered in water, sand is currency, and Kevin Costner has gills. F-that.
The upside: You get to jet-ski everywhere for the rest of your life.


2. Tank Girl
Why it would suck: Hold up, now the world is covered in sand, water is currency, and Kevin Costner has gills? Wait, scratch that last part.
The upside: Lots of hot ladies will apparently survive.


3. Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome
Why it would suck: “Welcome to Thunderdome!” Everyone in the this movie is a lunatic. The moral of the story is don’t be anywhere near Australia when the apocalypse goes down.
The Upside: If you can manage to imitate Mel Gibson’s swagger, you might get your own band of armed children to do your bidding.

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4. Left Behind
Why it would suck: God raptures the faithful, leaving the rest of us degenerates to fend for ourselves against the Antichrist.
The Upside: Those boring do-gooders won’t get to take their clothes with them to heaven, so there will be lots of free duds lying around.

5. The Postman
Why it would suck: In 2013, anyone can be forcibly drafted into roving militias by formerly innocuous people like vacuum salesman-turned-psychopaths. Apparently you’re better off just avoiding Kevin Costner in any post-apocalyptic scenario.
The Upside: Everyone gets a horse! Sweet.

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