Every year you get excited about New Years. After all, you’ve worked hard all year long and you’re certain that you deserve an opportunity to cut loose and urinate somewhere that you’re not supposed to. Somewhere out there is a girl who’s going to need someone like you to hold her hair back. Unfortunately the party your bud swore was going to be awesome is a total bust, and you’re doomed to spend the night sipping Coronas in the corner with that old guy who’s got the glass eye. Not that that’s ever happened to us.
Here are 5 horrible New Years parties that are destined to ruin some nights.
1. World of Warcraft Online New Year’s Celebration. If you find yourself kicking it with an elf on Dec 31st then you know that you have failed.
What to expect before midnight: Obviously a buzzing social scene isn’t a priority for your New Year’s evening since you’ve chosen to spend it in front of your computer screen. Revel with your fellow online gamers in the new Cheetos flavor that your mom was kind enough to pick up at the 7-11 for you. Yea, that’s going to be the highlight.
What to expect after midnight: Prepare for a sexual banquet of virgin maidens while the music of a live goblin band fills the air. In the virtual world of course. Your reality is just as cold and empty as it was back in 2012.
2. Bubba Gump Times Square New Years. We can’t think of a better place to spend New Years than a Times Square tourist trap. It’s a real steal at $500 bucks per ticket.
What to expect before midnight: All you can eat shrimp, open bar and a live New Orleans Jazz band.
What to expect after midnight: Prepare to come to the painful realization at precisely 12:01 a.m. that you just paid $500 for some popcorn shrimp, five Heinekens, 2 Jack and Cokes and a Forest Gump impersonator to feel up your girlfriend on the dance floor. Life is like a box of chocolates and you just bit into a dog turd, friend.
3. Celebrate 2013 like its 1995. We heard there will be lots of “90’s muziek.” Great. We love Creed.
What to expect before midnight: Three hours of Ace of Base. That’s right. Three. Hours. Ace. Of. Base.
What to expect after midnight: Three more hours of Ace of Base and Chumbawumba tribute band. Just shove a few cocktail napkins in your ears to stop the bleeding.
4. New Year’s Eve Ninja Party. There’s not enough Faygo in the world to get us to go to this.
What to expect before midnight: Lots of drugs, lots of booze, lots of folks in clown makeup with possible anger issues. Oh, and juggalette jugs.
What to expect after midnight: Expect this party to rage on until at least 3 a.m. when the majority of the crowd either passes out or finds a warm body to dry hump on the floor. This one probably offers the greatest potential for you to get some New Year’s action, just make sure you get a penicillin shot the following day.
5. The Twin Falls Idaho Ball Drop and New Years Extravaganza. It involves a $14 ball, purchased at an auction and thought to be made of copper, being lowered from a grain silo by a 1961 Ford Econoline for a crowd of about 40. It’s still better than an ICP new years.
What to expect before midnight: A deep fryer buffet and probably some sort of livestock racing. Bring your own pig grease.
What to expect after midnight: Mild applause before the crowd disperses at 12:05 a.m. Gotta get home to catch the last half of Leno, ya know.