Let’s cut the crap: Charlie Brown was a sucker. Christmas is about the getting and receiving of sweet gifts. Don’t pretend that when the iPad came out you weren’t hoping that some sucker was going to cough one up for you. This is a list of gifts that aren’t necessarily for everyone, but they are objectively awesome, as per the rules of awesome things.
1. Golden Sh*t Pills (Price: $425)
Take your annual Xmas two-girls-one-cup production to the next level with pills that turn turds into 17th century currency.
2. AA 12 Fully Automatic Shotgun (Price: $700)
For the paranoid crazy person in all of us: A drum-fed, fully automatic shotgun that fires 5 12-gauge rounds per-second. And no, it wasn’t released in 2012, but who cares?
3.Bedazzled Va-jay (Cost: $120)
Deliver holiday spirit to her lady parts with a bit of Vagazzle bling. Basically, you’re getting rhinestones glued to your genitalia. And of course it’s not exclusive to the ladies, guys are welcome to dong-dazzle their dizzles until their hizzles explizzle.
4. Mr. Beer Brewing Kit (Cost: $40)
Pretend you’re a prohibition-era bootlegger and brew gallons of booze in your dirty bathtub.
5. Cabela’s Night Vision Goggles (Cost: $2000)
Own the night for no reason with a sweet set of cat eyes. Perfect for creeping on your ex or getting a cup of water at night without running into everything.
6. Armageddon, The World’s Strongest Beer (Cost: $97)
Kick off a depressed holiday bender the right way with a bottle of booze that just might kill you. At 65-percent alcohol, it’s the strongest beer available. Man up!
7. Sphero Robotic Ball (Cost: $130)
It’s a freaking robot that does robot things like play games with you via your phone or tablet. No word yet if it will turn against you during the robot uprising. Take your chances and have fun.
8. The Thrill Murray Bill Murray Coloring Book (Cost: $15)
We’d all be better people if we’d learned basic motor control by filling in scenes from Lost in Translation. That opening shot with Scarlet Johansson, anyone?
9. B*tches Imma Holla At Notebook (Cost: $10)
Show off your chauvinist style while also keeping up with the game. And it’s in a classy little black book, old school playa style.
10.The Stick-N-Find (Cost: N/A)
This cool piece of tech allows you to roast that bowl without worrying about all the short term memory loss. Unfortunately it’s still in development and needs cash to get off of the ground. You can help them out over at Indiegogo here.