2012 is the year that social media got annoying. It used to be that you would only have to deal with your friends on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, etc. But now your parents, younger sisters, grandparents, aunts, uncles and friend’s pets are in on the social media boom. It used to be that you only had to avoid their phone calls — now you have to avoid their wall posts, picture tags and Facebook messages.
Here are the top 10 social media trends we hope will die out in 2013:
1. Getting Tagged in Pictures for Deals
For some reason, 2012 was the year of people tagging other people in pictures in order to get deals. Sometimes it was because of people’s accounts getting hacked, but most of the time it was because people thought they could get three months of free Netflix by sharing a photo of Channing Tatum wearing a fedora without a shirt on.
2. Instagram Food
We get it! Food looks good! That is why we eat it! You know what doesn’t look good? When you run a slice of homemade pizza through a sepia filter. YOU ARE RUINING PIZZA! Do you know how hard it is to ruin pizza? If you were to hand me a slice of pizza and say “I don’t want this pizza, some homeless guy was walking by it and sneezed on it” I would probably turn it down BUT only after at least 30 seconds of weighing the pros and cons of eating pizza that a homeless person sneezed on. Putting food you make through Instagram filters is like Da Vinci painting The Last Supper and asking Ed Hardy to do some “touch ups” on it.
3. People Being Excited about Kanye and Kim on Twitter
I hope everything work out with Kim and Kanye tho!
— ChicagoNyce (@MusBeNyce) January 2, 2013
Stop it. These are two horrible people who are procreating. They are ruining the gene pool. In all likelihood, Kim Kardashian having Kanye West’s baby signifies the arrival of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
4. Enough with the damn Doctor Who gifs on Tumblr
Nerds hate two things: physical activity and when high school girls like the same stuff that they like. Nerds miss the early ’00s, a time when comic books were still uncool, Hugh Jackman (AKA: Wolverine) wasn’t in Les Mis and “anime” was a word you could say without some cute 17-year-old girl saying “OMG! Me too! I Doctor Who is a cold reminder of how stuff they once held as their own is now something that girls talk about in the same conversation where they talk about whether the Twilight movie series lived up to the bar set by the books.
So, teenage girls of America, I plead with you. Stop posting damn Dr. Who GIFs all over Tumblr! Let the nerds have their thing!
5. Duck Face
Stop it. You look ugly like that. There is a reason why Donald Duck is the least sexy Disney character (Can I get a “hells yeah!” from all my ladies out there who loves them some Goofy?!).
6. Posting Cryptic Facebook Statuses
No one knows what the hell you are talking about when you post statuses like, “You can fight me all you want but you know I’m right” or “Stop playing games with me! You know who you are.”
Your life sounds like a crappy drama on the CW.
(Oh, and while we are talking about the CW. Hey! CW! You suck! WB was 10 times better and 50 times less whiny! Since you took over for the WB you have had less hits than the Mets and worse acting than Showtime: After Dark.)
7. Instagram Objects Meant to be Deep
That leaf on a park bench that you ran through a toaster filter is not a metaphor for the fleeting nature of life. It is a leaf that fell and landed on a park bench. You are not Nietzsche, you are a 19-year-old English Lit major at NYU barely maintaining a 2.7 GPA.
8. Athletes on Twitter
Thanks to the crew at Pudgie’s Pizza here in Cortland!! twitter.com/Mark_Sanchez/s…
— Mark Sanchez (@Mark_Sanchez) July 27, 2012
Dear Mark Sanchez,
You are the reason the Jets are terrible. Spend more time learning how to throw a football and less time hashtagging #YOLO on pictures of yourself playing golf during the off season.
Everyone in New York’s Tri-State area
9. Your Parents on Facebook
Rule of thumb for adults: If you have kids who are old enough to be on Facebook, you should not be on Facebook.
10. Vlogs from High School Girls
Vlogs from high school girls are like watching a TED talk … if after each TED talk you watched you wanted to shove a metal chopstick into your eyes. For some reason HS girls think that a webcam and a rudimentary understanding of iMovie editing software gives them the right to teach us their perspective on things like politics, love and One Direction conspiracy theories.
Eitan Levine is a New York City based comic. Follow him on Twitter at @Eitanthegoalie .