Phase 1: Carelessness
So it’s Saturday night and after knocking back an astonishing amount of PBR you decide to treat yourself to a chili dog. You know what those things do to your stomach, but you don’t have anything else to do tomorrow, so why not? BAM! You wake up hungover, it’s 9AM and your girlfriend wants you to come over for brunch. You should be damaged goods by now but you lucked out, you’re not even phased by the gastric abuse you endured the night before. In fact, pat yourself on your back dude, we’re pretty sure your invincible at this point.
Phase 2: Invincibility
Now that you’re invincible you decide to shovel down an egg sandwich for breakfast to get your day started right. No need to worry about your previous issues with eggs, you’re practically a superhero now. Great. So you make it to brunch and your girlfriend’s friends show up just as the gases in your body are reaching nuclear meltdown level. Hold tight and hope that you don’t cause the second Chernobyl.
Phase 3: Realization
Suddenly you can feel your invincibility disappearing. You feel like someone has bought kryptonite into the room. You are clearly on the verge of passing out. Finally, you decide to excuse yourself to the bathroom to release some tension and… nothing. As panic sets in all you can think of is that you should have listened to your friends the night before and drank more water.
Phase 4: Challenge Accepted
You’ve realized that this is your fate and you are ready to face it head on. You head back to the table, but with every step you take your fart just keeps inching closer and closer. At this point it’s becoming increasingly difficult to fake laugh at your girlfriend’s jokes because you’ve only got one thing on your mind now and that’s sweet, sweet release.
Phase 5: Courage
You’re feeling all kinds of pains in your stomach and remembering that time your dad told you that you could die from holding in your gas. You’re thinking no way. I’m not going out like that. I don’t even like my girlfriend’s friends. Besides, you’re pretty sure her friends are droppin; logs in your house all the time. Why else would they be lighting matches in the bathroom? Bath salts?
Phase 6: Mission Accomplished
Congratulations! You pulled it off and it looks like no one noticed. Bravo you sly bastard. You’re more than a superhero now, you’re a freaking deity. People would be honored to waft in the heated dank of the air that comes from your bum. Nothing can stop you now.
Phase 7: Humility
So brunch is over and you think you’re ‘Saved By The Bell,’ not to mention you’re a god now, so you decide to let one out and… YOU MESSED UP BAD. Real bad. This is worse than that time when you crapped yourself in the second grade and had to stuff your underwear in the toilet. Sh*t just got even realer.