Like any holiday (or really any day in general) the sarcasm on Twitter is rampant on Valentine’s Day. Whether you’re single or taken on February 14th, it’s still the perfect greeting card holiday to roast. Eh, love stinks, even in a 140 characters. #KissMyAssCupid
Celebrating Valentine’s Day with the woman that I love and my wife.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) February 14, 2013
Roses are meh, violets are whatever, everything is bland, whatever, this is boring. – Kristen Stewart‘s Valentine’s Day Card
— Rob Fee (@robfee) February 14, 2013
Valentines Day Tip – put a Whitman sampler in the microwave and then pour it in your pants for a romantic time with your partner
— Paul Scheer (@paulscheer) February 14, 2013
ROMANTIC: “You make my heart dance.” NOT ROMANTIC: “If you get home & I’m too drunk to fuck, I left a load in the fridge.”
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) February 14, 2013
My handwriting is so sloppy.Everything I write looks like a ransom note.It gives my Valentine’s Day card an exciting twist.
— Bill Arrundale (@BillArrundale) February 14, 2013
Show her you care by grabbing anything off the CVS shelf with a heart on it.
— Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) February 14, 2013
“She called me stumpy on Valentine’s Day? I snapped.” – Oscar Pistorius
— chaddaniels (@chaddaniels34) February 14, 2013
Congrats to whoever is dating Taylor Swift on your last Valentine’s Day together.
— Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) February 14, 2013
Dolphins are one of few species that mate for pleasure. Probably b/c they can’t make a fist. #ValentinesDay
— Keith Alberstadt (@KeithAlberstadt) February 14, 2013
Ladies, red roses mean he loves u, yellow roses mean he likes u & white roses mean he’s on the down low. #happyValentinesDay
— Candice Thompson (@jokesbyCandice) February 14, 2013
Oh good, someone at the office put out a V-Day cheese plate. The slices aren’t arranged to spell out “I’m lonely,” but message received.
— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) February 14, 2013