Business Insider broke a full list of keywords the NSA uses to find out if you’re a terrorist. In other words, if you use a handful of these in a phone call, a computer will definitely record it, and perhaps even a person will listen in for closer analysis a la Enemy of the State. Here’s the 20 stupidest words on the list, and the reasoning behind them from our anonymous source at the NSA.
Reasoning: Haven’t you read the horoscopes this week? Capricorns are going to be “digging up some strange new information that leads their life on a whole new path toward domestic terrorism.”
Reasoning: People who like giant monuments of man-cats are obviously dangerous.
Reasoning: Hugh Hefner once kicked a vending machine that stole his change at the Smithsonian. Better watch people who read his magazine.
Reasoning: He stole music from black musicians so people who like him must want to destroy the Pentagon.
Reasoning: Sounds French, and we don’t trust the French. Also, what is a quiche again?
Reasoning: It’s the character I always use in Mario Kart. Want to see if other people are talking about Mario Kart. He’s got good acceleration and speed, ya know?
Reasoning: Not complicated, fish are fishy.
Reasoning: What do you do in sneakers? Ya sneak.
Reasoning: Just included it on the list so we could hear all the weird stuff people get off to.
Reasoning: Buddhist terrorists once meditated in front of the White House when they knew the public area was closing. This led to the White House park being closed 11 minutes late.
Reasoning: Hoarding is the most pure manifestation of American materialism. If you even say garbage, you kind of want the President to be assassinated.
Reasoning: Americans don’t like vegetables so this must be code for something.
Reasoning: If you say it correctly as rhyming with rich, nothing happens, but if you say it as neesh, you hate English and probably funnel money to bin Laden.
Reasoning: We just think it’s funny that people say halibut. Halibut. Lol.
Reasoning: If you don’t think America is a utopia, you need to be held indefinitely at Guantanamo Bay.
Reasoning: Trying to find an old friend from college whose number I lost.
Reasoning: Jane Goodall once farted while touring the Capitol.
Reasoning: Just… that’s dumb. Who talks about Cowboys? Just weird, so we record it.
Reasoning: People who summarize ideas are dangerously smart.
Reasoning: Lol, we just threw that in for irony. Good one, huh?