Comedy

20 Stupid Words that Make the NSA Think You’re a Terrorist

Business Insider broke a full list of keywords the NSA uses to find out if you’re a terrorist. In other words, if you use a handful of these in a phone call, a computer will definitely record it, and perhaps even a person will listen in for closer analysis a la Enemy of the State. Here’s the 20 stupidest words on the list, and the reasoning behind them from our anonymous source at the NSA.

1. Capricorn.

Reasoning: Haven’t you read the horoscopes this week? Capricorns are going to be “digging up some strange new information that leads their life on a whole new path toward domestic terrorism.”

2. Sphinx

Reasoning: People who like giant monuments of man-cats are obviously dangerous.

3. Playboy

Reasoning: Hugh Hefner once kicked a vending machine that stole his change at the Smithsonian. Better watch people who read his magazine.

4. Elvis

Reasoning: He stole music from black musicians so people who like him must want to destroy the Pentagon.

5. Quiche

Reasoning: Sounds French, and we don’t trust the French. Also, what is a quiche again?

6. Toad

Reasoning: It’s the character I always use in Mario Kart. Want to see if other people are talking about Mario Kart. He’s got good acceleration and speed, ya know?

7. Fish

Reasoning: Not complicated, fish are fishy.

8. Sneakers

Reasoning: What do you do in sneakers? Ya sneak.

9. Fetish

Reasoning: Just included it on the list so we could hear all the weird stuff people get off to.

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10. Zen

Reasoning: Buddhist terrorists once meditated in front of the White House when they knew the public area was closing. This led to the White House park being closed 11 minutes late.

11. Garbage

Reasoning: Hoarding is the most pure manifestation of American materialism. If you even say garbage, you kind of want the President to be assassinated.

12. Veggie

Reasoning: Americans don’t like vegetables so this must be code for something.

13. Niche

Reasoning: If you say it correctly as rhyming with rich, nothing happens, but if you say it as neesh, you hate English and probably funnel money to bin Laden.

14. Halibut

Reasoning: We just think it’s funny that people say halibut. Halibut. Lol.

15. Utopia

Reasoning: If you don’t think America is a utopia, you need to be held indefinitely at Guantanamo Bay.

16. Bob

Reasoning: Trying to find an old friend from college whose number I lost.

17. Gorilla

Reasoning: Jane Goodall once farted while touring the Capitol.

18. Cowboy

Reasoning: Just… that’s dumb. Who talks about Cowboys? Just weird, so we record it.

19. Gist

Reasoning: People who summarize ideas are dangerously smart.

20. Freedom

Reasoning: Lol, we just threw that in for irony. Good one, huh?

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