So big ups, Usain Bolt – you’re the fastest dude on Earth and you choose to celebrate by adopting a baby cheetah named Lightning Bolt. That is an awesome name for an awesome animal, and it got us thinking – what if, instead of stealing babies from foreign countries, our celebrities followed Usain’s example and adopted animals instead? Animals that were… just like them? Let’s do some fantasy baseball here and pair up celebs and animal counterparts.
Sarah Jessica Parker – It’s not even a joke to make jokes about how much Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse. All I know is I was walking through Central Park one day and I saw a cop on top of her… Hey-yo!
Paris Hilton – She already has like fifty of those annoying little yappy dogs that are just a huge head attached to an anus, right?
Jon Gosselin – The hookworm is a parasitic nematode that lives in the small intestine of its host, draining vital nutrients while simultaneously demanding constant attention. Can’t you just picture one of these cute little buggers with a sick Ed Hardy shirt spawning eight more future parasites?
Kate Gosselin – She can have hookworms too. They can share custody. It’ll teach them something about how nature handles things.
Lindsay Lohan – Did you know that deep in the jungles of Columbia there’s a breed of spider monkey that does cocaine? I’m sure Li-Lo could train it to log into Twitter.
Danny Devito – Unfortunately, if you give a hippopotamus Limoncello, it dies. That cost me a chunk of change to find out. Sorry, Danny. I’ll keep looking for your perfect celebrity animal counterpart.
Meb Keflezighi – Obviously, the first American winner of the NYC Marathon since Reagan’s days should follow the trend and adopt Usain Bolt.