Celebrities

Trainwreck 100: Joe Francis

Trainwreck 100

Oh, celebrities: they suck, yet we can’t stop thinking about them. But who is truly the world’smost worthless celebrity? Here at Heavy, we use science to answer these questions. Using a complex series of algorithms that monitor blog mentions, videos, and other Internet and media traffic, we have distilled the world’s celebrities into an orderly list of 100 attention-seeking douchebags. Every day, we’ll debut another entry on the list, counting down to the ultimate celebrity trainwreck.

Today’s Trainwreck 100 inductee is a self-made man who has built a multi-million dollar media empire upon the shattered dignity of thousands of wasted college students. Born and raised in Laguna Beach, he was kicked out of a number of boarding schools before making his first fortune selling products on late-night television. But it wasn’t until 1995 that he struck gold with the formula that would make him famous: semi-attractive women, Long Island Ice Teas, and the promise of nudity. However, with great success comes great pain, and this trainwreck has been in and out of court for attacking women, filming them without their permission, and tax fraud. Can you guess who this egomaniac scumbag might be?

Joe Francis

#94 in the Trainwreck 100 belongs to Joe Francis! The Girls Gone Wild mastermind has made himself a mighty boodle hustling his sleazy videos on late-night cable, but he also seems more than eager to piss it all away. Francis has been in and out of court so often they should call him Ivan Lendl, and the charges levied against him have varied from assault and battery to child pornography! In one court appearance, when he was brought in for failure to pay a $2 million gambling debt, Francis even took out his Sidekick to answer emails during trial, as well as farting audibly during the prosecution’s statements. Seriously, did you expect class from a guy who’d be a penniless bum if women didn’t have nipples? At least one blow has been struck back for the rest of Americans in 2004, when Francis was kidnapped from his house by a man named Darnell Riley, forced to lay on a bed with a sex toy in his buttcrack and say “I’m Joe Francis and I like it in the…” Well, you get the idea. But has Joe learned? Hell no. Check out this video of him on the Tyra Banks show comparing his time in jail to Nelson Mandela’s ordeal of imprisonment in South Africa.

Check out the Trainwreck 100 archive here.

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