Oh, celebrities: they suck, yet we can’t stop thinking about them. But who is truly the world’s most worthless celebrity? Here at Heavy, we use science to answer these questions. Using a complex series of algorithms that monitor blog mentions, videos, and other Internet and media traffic, we have distilled the world’s celebrities into an orderly list of 100 attention-seeking douchebags. Every day, we’ll debut another entry on the list, counting down to the ultimate celebrity trainwreck.
Kicking off the second week of Trainwreck 100 entries, today’s massive screwup has been in the news a lot lately due to his hilarious financial crisis – one of the busiest actors in Hollywood, a man who has been in literally dozens of huge-earning movies, is now completely broke. He’s had to sell his castle in Germany, for God’s sake! But even before this, people could tell that this Italian-American with famous relatives was crazy – there was the whole matter of naming his kid after a comic book alien, for one thing and being replaced by Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler. Can you guess who comes in ninety-sixth on the Trainwreck 100?
Damn right, it’s Nicolas Cage. This overgrown manchild has lived a fantasy life since his teens, when he changed his last name in tribute to Marvel Comics superhero Luke Cage. Cage’s career path saw him start out in small comedies and dramas before transitioning to big-budget action schlock like Ghost Rider and the perplexing National Treasure franchise, but Cage is at his craziest in the rare movie where he actually tries to act. The Wicker Man is one of the most off-kilter movies of the last ten years, and Knowing does for his career what The Number Twenty-Three did for Jim Carrey’s. I don’t think he’s been in a movie where something didn’t blow up since people were still afraid of the Y2K bug. Throw in his bizarre third marriage to a Korean waitress, his kid named Kal-El (Superman’s real name), and $6.8 million in unpaid taxes and Cage is on the lip of a massive, hilarious spiral into utter trainwreckery. Where’s all the money go? A million dollars worth of comic books! Two islands in the Bahamas! Shrunken human heads! A quarter-million dollar fossilized dinosaur skull! A pet octopus! And don’t forget his hilarious attempt at playing Superman. For prime Cage lunacy, check out this Wicker Man clip below.