So everybody’s talking about ultra-skank and Trainwreck 100 inductee Tara Reid appearing in Playboy this month to show off her finally corrected plastic surgery. If that’s what floats your boat, good on you for taking a break from your RealDoll, but the media seems to have forgotten that these women aren’t just sexual organs stapled to airbrushing, but actually human beings, and the magazine also interviewed Reid to get into her head about her failed career, her public nudity, and her excessive alcohol abuse. Excerpts from that interview behind the cut.
Playboy: So what have you been up to since American Pie?
Tara Reid: It’s funny that you should ask that, because since that movie came out in 1999, ten years ago! Since then, I’ve starred in National Lampoon’s Van Wilder, The Crow: Wicked Prayer, Vipers…
Playboy: Excuse me? Are those… movies?
Tara Reid: Yes, they are movies! Movies starring some of young Hollywood’s finest, like Kal Penn and Dwight Yoakam! Incubus was the only film to have its world premiere on AOL! How many other people can say that?
Playboy: Not many, I guess.
Playboy: So what do you blame for your notorious party lifestyle?
Tara Reid: Mike’s Hard Lemonade. For a girl like me raised on Country Time, those things are basically just a mean trick! I thought “hard” referred to the bottle not being a twist-off, but by the time I figured it out I was just biting the caps off with my teeth. From there it was a short hop to doing rails off of Lindsay Lohan’s clavicle every Thursday night.
Playboy: Have you cleaned up your act?
Tara Reid: Oh, absolutely! My surgeon told me if I do any more coke the connective cartilage in my nose is going to collapse like the stock market, so the paparazzi won’t catch me doing toots anytime soon. It’s all injections between the toes now.
Playboy: So how are you trying to revive your career?
Tara Reid: Well, now that my body has been rebuilt to be a veritable cyborg of flesh and plastic, I’m using it to sleep my way back to the top. Sure, most Hollywood moguls would rather a younger, tighter piece of tuna, but I figure if I alternate trips to the surgeon with sessions on the casting couch I can get my vajayjay surgically tightened enough that these guys won’t get lost in there. Say, want to try it out?
Playboy: Not really, I’m – uh – Oh, God, please don’t take off your – AAAAAAUGH!
Eleven minutes of wet body noises punctuated by occasional gagging until the tape stops.