The world was rocked today by the announcement that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were splitting up, sundering their multicultural adoptive family and shattering Hollywood’s most powerful couple. The real reasons for the split are unknown – after all, who can really know what goes on in their private home? Well, we can know. Zahara Jolie-Pitt, you see, is not an orphaned girl from Ethiopia. She’s actually a 33 year-old Nigerian midget that we paid for gender reassignment surgery on, and then outfitted with a very small Korean pay as you go cell phone. She’s been texting us from inside the Jolie-Pitt compound the whole time. Suck on that, TMZ! Here’s what really made Brad and Angie go their separate ways.
First off: the beard. Things just haven’t been the same, sexually, since Pitt grew out his notorious chin-tickler. Allegedly for a role, the scraggly goatee makes the former Sexiest Man Alive look like the Sexiest Man On To Catch A Predator. Seriously, he should be driving a white van and investing heavily in Abba-Zabbas. Jolie requested multiple times that he shave, only to be rebuffed by his requests that she shave her beard. Jolie yelled back angrily “You are my beard!”
Secondly, Jolie’s request for an open relationship. The sexually free-balling Angelina has had multiple sexual liasons with both genders, and she wanted to bring another woman into her downstairs life. Unfortunately for Pitt, Jolie wanted the other woman to be… Brad Pitt. Despite repeated efforts to “tuck it back,” Pitt’s legendary acting skills weren’t enough to convince Jolie that he’d shed the Y chromosome, and with directors threatening to cut him loose from future projects if he became a woman, the star had nowhere to turn.
Brad’s past relationship with Jennifer Aniston has always hovered like a spectre over his life with Jolie, and Aniston did indeed play a part in the breakup. In fact, she may have precipitated it by dressing up like Jolie using the same technology seen in the movie White Chicks and gaining access to the house, where she would act erratically around Pitt in an effort to frustrate him before disappearing in a puff of smoke. When contacted for comment, Aniston removed her mouth from whatever dude she’s banging this week and dashed for the nearest city bus.
One of Angelina’s past romances also weighed in – her tumultuous marriage to Billy Bob Thornton. As you may remember, Jolie was spotted wearing a vial of Thornton’s blood on a chain around her neck when the two were together. What you don’t know is that blood was used to grow a clone of Thornton, which is now nine years old and completely insane. Seized by a homicidal lust for blood every new moon, the Bi-Bob-Beast stalks the Hollywood hills, rending starlets limb from limb with its horrible teeth. Brad wanted to turn the warped child over to the authorities, while Angelina seemed content to keep it locked in an attic with only daytime soaps as human companionship.
Also, Maddox shot Brad in the ass with a BB gun.