Celebrities

Let’s Make Up Some Stuff About Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber

Man, all the kids are talking about this guy Justin Bieber – when they aren’t begging me to let them out of my torture basement, that is. So, in an effort to get to know the younger demographic a little bit, I hunkered down and did some serious research. Only one problem: Justin Bieber is boring. Seriously, there’s nothing to this kid. It’d be like writing 1800 words about saltine crackers. So, like any good journalist would, I’m just going to make some things up about Justin Bieber instead. Let’s get to the prevaricating!

Justin Bieber was born March 1, 1994 in Stratford, Ontario, Canada. His parents were high-ranking officials in Ontario’s burgeoning Satanist community, and worked nights at a local insurance agency. Bieber was conceived in a fourth-floor stairwell and, from the instant of orgasm, his mother knew that he was destined for greatness. To ensure that greatness, Bieber’s mother entered into multiple pacts with netherworld denizens from Baal to Chl’kanturagth, promising a total of 1,400 human sacrifices and over $23,000 in American currency in exchange for her child becoming a star.

And become a star he was! But first, he had to be born. And then the star could be born! Rocketing out of his mother’s parts in a gout of placenta, Justin Bieber opened his mouth in song! Born knowing each and every tune from the Broadway musical “Les Miserables,” Justin Bieber was treated as a freak by his schoolmates, who preferred the masculine Canadian hobbies of hockey and quiet desperation. But Bieber’s parents, knowing that his fame would allow them to spread the gospel of Satan to the world, encouraged his artistic tendencies, and by the time he was 12 he was proficient at guitar, piano, drums and disemboweling.

Bieber’s parents began posting his videos on YouTube, which is the perfect environment for teenage kids with bad hair to be told that they are gay fags by “CenaMark102010.” And that happened! But what also happened is that music industry bigwigs noticed Bieber’s hell-spawned talent and he was signed to a real live big boy record deal. His first album, My World, dropped in November of 2009, and the record’s mix of bubblegum soul and backmasked exhortations to kill your parents sold over a million copies.

Bieber’s star has only continued to rise, from serenading Kenyan socialist Barack Obama and his wife at the White House’s Christmas celebration to stealing the soul of Lionel Ritchie by singing the first line in the ill-advised We Are The World remake, this little devil is doing his level best to lead souls to his dark master below. What will the future hold for Justin Bieber? Well, his second album, My World 2.0, will hit stores soon, to be followed by My World 666, My World To Rule As I Please, and My World, Now Kneel Before Me, Slave, And Drink This Blood I Command It which will probably have a guest spot from T-Pain.

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