I’m not gonna lie – I love boobs. Big ones, little ones, real ones and fake ones. But let’s be clear: there are good fake boobs and bad fake boobs. Good fake boobs are the ones that could pass for natural, only better – bigger, firmer and perkier than what God could create. Bad fake boobs, though – oh, man. Bad fake boobs are a tragedy. In this feature, I’ll show you twenty racks – forty tits – that almost ruin the whole concept of breasts.
Look at this mess. She’s like a piece of beef jerky somebody stapled a pair of grapefruits to. And then she looked at the utter tragedy that is her body and said “Oh, yeah! I’m gonna strap on my vagina-pink bikini and show the world what I’ve got!” Seriously I’d rather bone one of the aliens from District 9.
Amy Lumet is the socialite daughter of legendary director Sidney Lumet of Serpico fame, and the granddaughter of Lena Horne. And she decided to carry on her family’s legacy of service to the arts by having a pair of huge, square knockers goozled into her chest. Tits should not be square. Although Lumet was rumored to have had an affair with John McCain, so maybe that’s just what he likes?
See that little dark spot there? That’s an inflation valve. This lucky lady can go to her doctor at any time and say “Hey, Doc, shove some more silicone into my funbags, I’ve got a date.” Sure, she has a grotesque medical prosthesis jutting out the side, but those tits are huge.
Yes, Bethenny Frankel of The Real Housewives Of New York City has a horrifying square head. Get some colored stickers and she could be a Rubik’s Cube for Halloween. But avert your eyes from the Borg mothership that is her skull and you’ll just have to look at her incompetent boob job, featuring two oddly-sized mounds that obviously hate each other, they’re so far apart.
Oh, France – the only country where you can look like a Geico caveman with two genetically engineered Japanese watermelons tied to your chest and still be considered a sex symbol. This is Lolo Ferrari, a French broad who asphyxiated under the weight of her cans. A mercy killing, if you ask me.