Sandra Bullock, it was reported by People magazine today, has been secretly keeping a little black baby from New Orleans hidden away in her palatial space mansion for the past few months. But why? Doesn’t that seem like the kind of bizarrely orchestrated post-hoc PR move designed to distract people from the fact that she’s been secretly involved with biker-nazi-fetishists for the last year, or perhaps something even more insidious? I consulted a Ouija board, my cop instincts, and a magic talking cat that lives outside my window to get the scoop on what awful things Miss Congeniality might have done to necessitate her secret adoption.
– Intentionally outed American figure skater Evan Lysacek in front of his Dancing With The Stars partner, and then stabbed him, and then slept with that Russian figure-skating guy who got the platinum medal, because she only sleeps with winners.
– Convinced black people that athletics was the only way for them to achieve success in America.
– Sold uterus to Satan, after she was already successful and America loved her, just for the cash, and the thrill, and because she hates babies.
– Was secretly turned into a robot while dating robot quarterback Troy Aikman of the Robot Football League.
– Burned down a number of black churches throughout the south.
– Shorted the very same subprime-mortgage investment vehicles she was selling to clients.
– Used to make fun of the Chinese kid with the stupid haircut who sings the Whitney Houston songs, told him he would never make it.
– Tricked Polish people into spending money on her stupid awful movies instead of upgrading their aging aircraft fleet.
– Inspired me to reach higher, despite knowing full well nothing would come of it.