At Heavy we are men of science and reason, but sometimes, science and reason are not enough to fill those dark corners we like to call the soul. So, recently, as a group, we trekked to the Himalayas on a spiritual retreat, and after several good men were lost – we had to eat a programmer named Skip after all our food was stolen by a Yeti – we came upon a mystic named Madame Moonblood in a hidden cave in the mountains. One by one, we entered the cave where she allowed us to ask anything we wanted. Most of my colleagues asked about the meaning of life or if there was a heaven. I, on the other hand, decided to ask Madame Moonblood something that could benefit us all. I asked her just what this summer had in store for ten of America’s most famous celebrities. And here, for the first time, I reveal just what it was that she told me.
1. Megan Fox
After being dumped from Transformers 3: The Search for Curly’s Gold, Megan Fox will find herself throwing her entire being into the promotion of her new movie, Jonah Hex, in which she plays a gun-wielding whore. Fans and the paparazzi alike will be shocked when Fox is discovered hooking on Hollywood street corners. A confused Brian Austin Green will later be arrested when it is discovered that Fox has been giving him 90% of her earnings. Green will claim that he didn’t know where the money was coming from, but since he was used to her giving him money, he didn’t ask questions. He will adamantly deny that he is a pimp, but both he and Fox will get dragged into court after she pistol whips a customer unfortunately named Mike Bay. The ensuing scandal and trial will drag on well into the year, but unfortunately Madame Moonblood would only tell me what happened during the summer and not beyond. She did tell me however, that the story will be bought before the end of summer by the Weinstein Brothers. Fox will try to play herself, but she will be told that she isn’t a good enough actress.
2. Robert Pattinson
Following the release of yet another Twilight movie this summer, Pattinson will be forced to go into hiding as the throng of teeny-boppers who lust after him will have surged beyond control. They will take to the streets and accost random pedestrians and pull people out of their cars and scream at them until their ears bleed and they fall dead of massive brain hemorrhages. Pattinson will be forced to take to the airwaves from his hidden location and beg them to stop, but it won’t matter. Eventually it becomes clear to everyone that the only way to satisfy the rampaging horde of fangirls(and a few boys too), will be to give them what they want. On an oppressive mid-August afternoon, Pattinson will be led at gunpoint onto a balcony overlooking the teeming masses. He will plead with them to stop for his sake, but again, it won’t matter and he will be thrown off into the crowd. He will never be seen again and as summer winds to a close, authorities will still be hunting renegade bands of teenage girls as they terrorize a nation.
3. Britney Spears
Following a period of relative calm in her life, it is about time for Mt. Britney to explode with all manner of craziness once again, and explode she will. A 4th of July fireworks display will overwhelm her senses and send her on a rampage through Hollywood. Clad in only a ragged pair of Daisy Dukes and a far too small tee-shirt that belongs to one of her sons, Britney will stalk the streets, barefoot, screaming about how “the pretty sparkly lights are the devil’s sign language.” She will finally be apprehended by police after she accosts a random fan and then shaves his head, telling him that she is releasing him from the demons of hair. She will then be released into the protective custody of the paparazzi, who will cage her and then release her a couple of times every day so they can take her picture in the wild and sell it to the tabloids.