A new book about Angelina Jolie is set to be released on July 31 and the rumor mongers and gossip bloggers are already starting to buzz about some of the potential revelations. But until the book is actually out, it’s all just meaningless and idle speculation. Thankfully, we here at Heavy do not indulge in such tripe. No, sir. We only deal in straight facts and hard truths and it is with that in mind that we are pleased to bring you these shocking revelations from Angelina Jolie’s tell-all biography, an advanced copy of which we obtained in a black market deal in exchange for a case of Natty Light and a programmer named Skip.
- She’s a man. That’s right. Angelina Jolie was born with a penis. The penis later fell off, but thankfully for Angelina she was also born with female plumbing and therefore she just decided to go through life as a woman. According to friends, she kept the little penis and will occasionally drunkenly show it off at parties, calling it her “little prehensile tail”. Brad Pitt is said to be uncomfortable with the penis and was once found trying to flush it down the toilet. The two didn’t speak for three weeks until Brad, trying to make amends, bought Angelina a diamond encrusted display case in which she could keep the penis. Overjoyed, Angelina forgave him and today, the penis sits in its case in the foyer to their home.
- She actually hates children. It’s shocking, but Angelina Jolie reportedly has a rare condition that causes her to become violently ill in the presence of children. She once vomited all over the three year son of a friend at the child’s birthday party and then left without even offering to help clean up. But how can this be since she has several children of her own? Simple. Those are not children at all, but highly trained midgets carefully selected by Angelina to serve as her house staff. In public, she passes them off as her children for the publicity, but inside of the house, they wait on her hand and foot. Brad Pitt is again said to be uneasy with this arrangement but he also thinks midgets are hilarious and they make a mean BLT so he lets it slide.
- She once shot a man just to watch him die. It’s shocking, but apparently, in 1998, Angelina Jolie shot a drifter in Reno just to watch him die. Johnny Cash later gained access to a time machine, went back in time and wrote a song to commemorate the event. He never credited Jolie, however, and the two began a long and bitter feud which ended only when Cash passed away. Jolie, apparently, was on hand just to watch him die, giving the whole affair an odd sort of symmetry.
- Her blood is sold as a designer drug in high end European discotheques. Apparently, there is a compound found only in Angelina Jolie’s blood that gets you incredibly high. Users compare it to a super-powerful strain of Ecstasy. No one knows quite why this is so, but leading scientists have speculated that it is a mutation caused by chronic exposure to a mixture of high grade narcotics, uranium and excessive Eurotrash. A doctor comes in once a week to draw blood from her, but occasionally she will just tap a vein for adventurous house guests and for Brad Pitt, who is said to be an addict. This is the real reason why they are still together.
- Her marriage to Billy Bob Thornton was a huge misunderstanding. It would seem that Jolie got it in her head to marry Thornton after watching him in his award winning movie Sling Blade. Jolie became convinced, for reasons that remain unclear, that Thornton was legitimately retarded and married him with the belief that she could bilk the government out of disability benefits for the unfortunate man. When it turned out that he was not retarded, but merely named Billy Bob and from Arkansas, Jolie grew disenchanted. Still, refusing to be made a fool out of, Jolie forced Thornton to adopt the persona of his character from Sling Blade for the duration of their marriage. Thornton reportedly had to endure several years of therapy following their divorce because Jolie convinced him that he was legitimately retarded. This temporary retardation is apparently what led to his starring in The Astronaut Farmer, an atrocity for which he will reportedly never forgive Jolie.
As you can see, the truth behind the image of Angelina Jolie is both shocking and explosive. There will be those who, when the book actually comes out, tell you that none of these revelations are in there. That’s because people are stupid and incapable of reading between the lines. But we here at Heavy are not stupid and neither are you. And now, armed with the secrets of Angelina Jolie’s tell all book, you can help make the world a better place. You’re welcome.