American Idol, that venerable institution of class and integrity which has contributed so much to the unique culture of America, has gone ahead and named Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez as its two new judges. The duo join Randy Jackson, aka the one judge no one has ever given a rat’s ass about, in a desperate attempt to save the show from spiraling into oblivion now that Simon Cowell has taken his Triumph the Insult Comic Judge routine and split for greener pastures.
But what do Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez bring to the table? Aside from being famous as the voice of Aerosmith, Tyler should also be able to bring a witty banter to American Idol now that he has morphed into Carol Channing. Meanwhile, Lopez will likely be particularly adept at pointing out to both contestants and all the viewers that America used to be obsessed with her ass. She will also likely throw passive aggressive barbs at Kim Kardashian for stealing her crown as America’s Ass Queen.
So we have all that to look forward to. But what about other candidates? Surely, American Idol had lots of famous names beating down their doors looking for a cushy gig as a judge on the show. Well, we here at Heavy decided to do some investigating and we uncovered a list of potential judges as well as the reasons why they were passed over in the end in favor of Ms. Channing and Ben Affleck’s sloppy seconds.
- Iggy Pop was turned down because he insisted upon throwing a bag of feces at each contestant when they were eliminated. Idol producers were said to be open to the idea but wanted to use dog crap while Iggy stuck to his guns and wouldn’t settle for anything less than pure human poop. He even offered to make it himself.
- Britney Spears was turned down for two reasons: First of all, she doesn’t know how to read, which is problem because without cue cards Britney breaks down into tears and toddler like gibberish and second, she has no experience with singing live.
- David Hasselhoff was turned down because at his audition he took off his pants and had a conversation with his own penis before he vomited and then began crying. He did make it to the final cut before producers decided they couldn’t get more than two weeks of compelling television out of this.
- Paula Abdul was turned down out of spite even after she showed up uninvited and begged producers to let her come back. She even volunteered to let Iggy Pop throw his feces on her every week, but was turned down. But not until producers strung her along far enough to let Iggy pelt her with a bag of poop.
- Producers were very interested in getting Joe Perry as a judge but it was all a huge misunderstanding. It would seem that Perry was only at the studio because he had to pick up his grandmother from her nursing home and he admitted that in recent years he had begun to get his Nana and Steven Tyler mixed up. Tyler didn’t help matters by trying to feed Perry a handful of Werther’s Originals.
- Madonna was turned down when producers balked at honoring the clause in her contract which would have forced them to feed her the blood of a newborn infant before each show. They offered her a quart of Randy Jackson’s blood before each show as a counter offer but, insulted, she flapped her bat like arms and flew away back to Transylvania or wherever the hell she’s been holed up.
- Coolio was turned down even though he said he would work for dog food and a cot backstage. Producers weren’t interested in springing for the dog food but they did give Coolio the number for a local homeless shelter so everyone won in the end.
- Fred Durst was beaten by armed guards only seconds after he arrived on the lot. He was incensed that the guards failed to recognize him and complained to the producers about the misunderstanding. They said that there was no misunderstanding and that there has been a standing order to assault Durst since the show began.
- Bruce Springsteen was turned down after he demanded that the show be five hours long and he be allowed to tell boring stories for three of those hours. Producers told him that was what Ryan Seacrest was there for.
- Lars Ulrich of Metallica was forced to turn down an offer to serve as a judge when the ghost of Cliff Burton arrived at negotiations between Ulrich and the producers and began beating Ulrich. Burton’s ghost was heard screaming “Alright, damn it, that’s enough!”
As you can see, American Idol had plenty of candidates to pick from as they went through the process of choosing their new judges. In the end, they settled on Jennifer Lopez because she agreed to work for a new pair of prosthetic ass cheeks and Steven Tyler because producers agreed to buy him a big bag of yarn and to give him afternoons off to watch “his stories.” Randy Jackson will continue to work for a can of soup and free parking each episode. Clearly, American Idol isn’t quite dead yet.