We have tragic news to report today. A 23 year old man was found dead in a New Zealand Theater yesterday after a showing of Twilight: Eclipse. Yes folks, horrible as it is to imagine, a man watched Twilight.
There are a few interesting details of this story. Authorities say the death “was not suspicious and he had no obvious injuries,” and the man was described as “transient” with “no fixed address.” In other words, he was a homeless guy. A homeless guy. His life was probably horrible. People probably kicked him or spat on him daily, and he probably at least once seriously considered eating poo, but Twilight was too much for him to take. Of course, it’s possible that he wasn’t homeless when the movie began. Maybe Twilight is such a terrible movie that it doesn’t just bore you, it strips you of all your Earthly possessions. The Scientist we consulted refused to weigh in on this possibility.
Hopefully this is the only argument you’ll need to stay away from Twilight this summer, but if you want to be a hero, boldly facing death to spend time with your woman, make sure you check out our guide to Twilight: Eclipse For Non-Idiots first.
Read more about the Twilight death at Cinematical.