Gotye and Carly Rae Jepsen Frankenstein Destined to Take Over The Internets
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Gotye and Carly Rae Jepsen Frankenstein Destined to Take Over The Internets

Congratulations Pomplamoose, if that is your real name, I hate you. I hate you with the heat of a thousand suns. Did you really think it was a good idea to take the two most parasitically catchy songs of the year and mash them up? Shame on you! Apparently Pomplamoose is a band (and not, as I first thought, a terrifying moose creature from an alternate dimension that has Prince’s hairdo and wears sunglasses at all times, even as he’s goring you) and they made a mash-up of “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen and “Somebody That I Used to Know” by Gotye.

That’s right the two songs whose choruses haven’t stopped playing in your head since you first heard them and they burrowed there way deep into your cerebral cortex where they’ve continued to suck on your life force. Just mentioning those two songs made half of you yell out “NOW YOU’RE JUST SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KNOW!” and the other half to yell out, “HEY, I JUST MET YOU/AND THIS IS CRAZY/HERE’S MY NUMBER/SO, CALL ME MAYBE!” I have never consciously decided to listen to “Call Me Maybe” and I recalled those lyrics off the top of my head. I didn’t need to look them up or ask a friend. It’s sickening. They’re slowly crushing my mind until I am incapable of reciting anything other than their choruses. And again, I’ve never actually chosen to listen to those songs. That’s just how catchy they are.

So, what fresh hell are you trying to unleash, Pomplamoose? Why would you do this? I swear, I’ll never mistake your name for a delicious appetizer and dessert combo dish only being offered at those molecular gastronomy restaurants, just don’t do this.

Fortunately for us the song actually sucks and isn’t half as catchy as the originals, so we’re safe for now. But this might inspire someone to make a version that’s actually good and when these two songs bleed into each other successfully, it will overload our brains with catchiness, shutting them down like a computer. Playing the song out loud will produce a metaphysical doorway to an foreign realm that will suck out our souls as punishment for the evil we have unleashed and it will truly be Armageddon!

Or, you know, we’ll all forget about it in a few weeks because these are meaningless pop songs. It’s 50-50.

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