It’s that spooky time of the year again, where we pretend childhood obesity isn’t an epidemic, and it’s ok to watch terrible things happen to other people. But for every classic chain saw wielding psycho enshrined in the Horror hall of fame, there’s some wannabe in a bondage suit. To help you navigate these bloody waters, here’s a list of the worst Horror Film baddies to grace the screen.
Gary Busey is a serial killer who’s sent to the chair for being a menace to society, so far so good right? Well Uncle Sam makes a fatal error by sending his ashes back home, where his witch of a mother proceeds to create a lovely gingerbread mix from the remains. The Busey based recipe is eventually put to good use to create the most ridiculous culinary abomination since Taco Bell started making those Doritos tacos. If this sounds hysterical, it is…for like eight seconds. The misguided cookie rampage motif grows thin surprisingly quickly, although that hasn’t stopped two sequels from popping up, including one entitled Passion of the Crust.
Wow, Stephen King, just wow. A possessed laundry folding machine was the best you could come up with? I guess they were just mailing the checks in advance back in 1995. When the demon living in the giant metal box isn’t feasting on the flesh of the innocent, the films other antagonist is a crippled old factory owner, who clambers around the factory sexually assaulting the employees. Apparently they had great dental though, who knew?
Known in Japan as Matango, this film is actually pretty awesome considering it came out in 1963. Basically you have your standard mysterious island that’s been exposed to radiation and a group of people gets stuck there…blah,blah,blah, and the one thing they’ve been told not to do while on the island is you guessed it, don’t eat the god damn mushrooms. Upon munching down on the fungus the people slowly transform from terrible actors into clumsy half shroom creatures. While enjoyable for it’s unadulterated campiness, there’s still no denying that mushrooms aren’t a very intimidating adversary. Woud’ve been way better if it turned out they’d just been tripping balls the whole time.
Glad to see Tommy Chong has expanded his range in this one. A group of burnouts buy a haunted bong when they realize there’s not enough going on in their dorm rooms to make them interesting. So after taking bingers from a creepily anthropomorphic water pipe, the band of douche bags are transported to a mystical land of evil strippers with man eating breasts. Watch this sober at your own peril.
To be fair, this one is from a terrible adaptation of a classic television show, and not a film, but watching Jessica Simpson get pushed around by a bunch of Malibu Stacy’s is pretty entertaining. A little girl has been luring baby sitters into her room and turning them into dolls for no good reason, and we’re privy to an evening of suspense and intrigue when another bimbo is too stupid to figure it out until it’s too late. Watch Jessica stumble, blunder, and get her ass handed to her by some discount rack Barbies. That’s what America is all about.
Oh hey Steve, glad you’re back so soon. So a UFO passes by earth on the tail end of a comet and turns all our machines against us, wow no way! Yes arcade machines, hair dryers, and Semi Trucks alike come alive to kick ass and take names. Look, I can appreciate a steam roller going to town on a group of little league brats as much as the next guy, but the whole phantom villain routine is a cover for a storyline constructed with bubble gum. The one take away is of course Emilio Estevez, who can make anything awesome. See: Repo Man.
Here’s an all too common approach in creating a horror movie: Find something unpleasant, and push it over a cliff. Yes, Dr. Alan Feinstone has a happy life preventing gingivitis and feeling smug about his hot wife. Too bad when he finds her all up on the muscle freak of a pool boy it puts him over the edge (dun dun dun). I get it, the Dentist has a bunch of scary tools, it hurts like hell to get a root canal, and there was that one time I had a Mormon hygienist lecture me on flossing with Jesus. Regardless, some white collar prick with a few drills aint gonna cut it. Steve Martin’s Blue Velvet tinged rendition in Little Shop of Horrors was creepier than this.
Hold on to your hat, I’m not ragging on Freaks. It’s a quintessential horror classic of the twentieth century with outstanding performances by actors that were actually part of the Geek shows. In addition to that, Prince Randian, a man born without limbs, is a testament to the human spirit. But the climax of the film where he’s shown crawling through the mud with a knife in his mouth…not so great. Whoever coordinated the whole circus uprising really needs to consider the logistics more in the future.
Why do horror films hate lovers? So here’s a real doozy for your, an evil bed lives in a decrepit old Mansion, and waits for years on end for the next unassuming couple to make use of it. Once the softcore cuddle fest begins, the mattress absorbs it’s victims and digests them with it’s acidic yellow foam. Maybe if they had one of these in every La Quinta Inn we could have something here, but a singular monster bed…meh.
That’s right, it’s a hat trick for Mr. King. When a gardner with a learning disability meets Pierce Brosnan before the internet exists, they play virtual reality video games until the simpleton becomes an evil genius who seeks revenge on his former tormentors. The film progresses accordingly with several gardening “accidents”, when the nintendo savant realizes his true purpose: to be reborn into the vaguest main frame computer system memory board bullshit 1992 had to offer. I’m pretty sure this is how facebook was invented.