The Xbox One can command your TV, internet and gaming experience like no other system before, but it does a lot of other cool stuff you don’t know about, too. These are just a few of the additional features that weren’t revealed at the big announcement.
Xbox One can also…
1. Pay back your student loans.
2. Make you a delicious quiche.
3. Jerk you off.
4. Visit your in-laws so you don’t have to.
5. Listen to your girlfriend talk about her bad day.
6. Sell you weed.
7. Dispense bacon upon request.
8. Impregnant your teenage daughter.
9. Craft traditional Native American pottery.
10. Take photos of your food.
11. Plays non-Xbox games.
12. Turn water into wine.
13. Walk your dog.
14. Sing Journey’s Greatet Hits better than Steve Perry ever could.
15. Improve your life (no, really, it can and it WILL).