Edward Snowden and Miley Cyrus are the two top contenders for Time’s Person of the Year 2013. We compare the two and give our verdict on who should win.
Why Miley Cyrus Should Win
• Made headlines everywhere for twerking (vigorous sexual dancing) at the VMAs.
• Artist that released “Wrecking Ball,” widely considered to be a very good pop song. Great chords, right?
• Daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus, artist behind world-changing “Achy Breaky Heart“
• Also was behind that other song, “We Can’t Stop,” that was a good one too. Juicy J sounds like the name of gum!
• Is a beautiful girl that people like to look at, particularly when she wears almost no clothes and rides construction equipment.
• Makes nice sounds using her mouth.
• Led to a lot of high quality water cooler conversation.
• Made parents upset that their daughters would be influenced by her hyper-sexualization
• Some people accused her of appropriating black culture.
• She has a lot of twitter followers, but not as many as Katy Perry or Justin Bieber!
• Used to go by Hannah Montana reminding many people that Montana is a place.
• If she died before she was famous, Selena Gomez would probably be more famous. Poor Selena.
Why Edward Snowden Should Win
• Made headlines everywhere for revealing that the US government, the most powerful insitution on Earth, was spying on its and other country’s citizens.
• Programmer that released over 200,000 documents to the press leading to mass reform and discussion regarding governmental surveillance policy.
• Brother, spiritually speaking, to various other whistleblowers such as Chelsea Manning and Julian Assange. They have no pop songs between them though.
• Also was behind leaving his cushy six-figure job, Hawaiian condo, and generally stable, nice existence for his and America’s principles.
• Is a staid looking computer guy that people look at, but don’t necessarily need to or want to.
• Makes sounds the government doesn’t like using his mouth to cause tremendous upheaval and help secure American freedom and privacy.
• Led to a lot of high quality water cooler conversations being less monitored and surveilled than usual.
• Made the NSA mad for telling on them for violating everyone in America’s fourth amendment rights.
• Some people accused him of being a stupid tattle-tale traitor because terrorism.
• Has no twitter and no twitter followers, way less than Justin Bieber and Katy Perry. Somewhat less than Miley.
• Used to go by Edward Snowden and now goes by various aliases to avoid being killed by various world powers for revealing their secrets.
• If he died before he was famous, the US Government would remain unchecked, possibly leading to an Orwellian dystopia for America within the next decade. This may or may not lead to the end of human freedom on Earth.