No one likes it when Hollywood tries to pass off an old classic as something new and exciting. Still, there are movies to be made, and drugs and Botox to purchase, and so the dreaded re-make will never truly go out of style. Here at Heavy, we believe in taking an unflinching look at the world, and although some ideas may sound exciting, the reality is far more terrifying. So, without any further ado, why don’t we take a look at what would happen if Hollywood decided to remake some beloved classics.
Back to the Future
The original is a classic, beloved by all, so why not a remake? Well, first of all, the role of Marty McFly would probably be played by some dude like Zac Efron. No one wants to see Marty McFly break into jazz hands at the Under the Sea Dance. But I could also see studio execs going a different way with this. After all, these are dark and troubling times, and the original story might be too wholesome for today’s audience – well, as wholesome as the story of a teenaged boy who’s only friend is a middle aged lunatic and who gets seduced by a teenaged version of his own mother can be anyway. Enter Quentin Tarantino. Since, the movie will have to be updated from 1985 to 2009, that means that the past would have to be updated too, from 1955 to 1979. Tarantino would jump at the chance to guide some fresh faced young star like Efron through the debauched sex and drug crazed late 70’s, all while a never ending string of 70’s soul classics filled out the soundtrack. Maybe that sounds interesting, but no one needs to have their memories of this classic ruined by the sight of poor Marty McFly strung out in an alley while Biff defiles his mother and Doc Brown has a coke fueled tryst with an aging disco queen played by Uma Thurman.
The original is renowned both for being completely awesome and for teaming up three brilliant comedic minds in Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis. Unfortunately, today’s version would probably star Andy Samberg, Bill Hader and Zach Braff, and would feature an obnoxious Indy Rock soundtrack. I could see this being directed by someone like Michel Gondry, who would probably replace all the ghosts with papier-mâché cutouts and Theremin sound effects. Add in Kristen Wiig or Amy Poehler in Sigourney Weaver’s role and you have all the ingredients for a thoroughly grating film that would get plenty of critical acclaim for being unique but would leave all those who love the original lying in a pool of their own tears.
One of the first true blockbusters, Jaws has had its legacy already pillaged by unnecessary sequels, so it’s not too outrageous to think that Hollywood would leap at the chance to remake this bad boy. Of course, Steven Spielberg is too classy and rich to bother with this nonsense, so I imagine someone like Michael Bay would get brought in to helm this stink bomb. A million jump cuts, a mutant robot shark with lasers attached to its head and a cast made up of Shia LaBeouf, Josh Duhamel and Billy Bob Thornton later, and a sea of shocked and appalled movie lovers would exit the theater wishing they had been eaten by a great white shark.
Conan the Barbarian
Rumors of Conan’s resurrection have floated around for years, and so I think it’s fairly safe to say that this one will happen sooner or later. Before you get too excited, just remember that the original Conan is tucked away in Sacramento signing bills and writing dirty notes to the California State Legislature and he’ll be too busy to be involved in this fiasco. Unfortunately, there really isn’t anyone out there like Arnold Schwarzenegger, but will that stop studios from getting this done? Of course not. I imagine that one phone call to The Rock later and this thing will be fast tracked into production faster than you can vomit upon hearing the news. Add in Terrence Howard in the role played in the original by James Earl Jones, and a cast full of hipster doofuses meant to provide some comic relief and you have all the makings of a disaster that even the lowliest of peasants in the Bronze Age could have seen coming.
Revenge of the Nerds
This is a movie that could have pretty much only been made in the 1980’s. Featuring plenty of gratuitous sex, drug use and copious amounts of booze related fun, there is no way that this movie could be made today without some uptight housemother calling her Congressman. It was a simpler time back then, back in the days when it was okay to stick an outrageous Japanese stereotype on a tricycle and make him race around a tiny track while chugging a beer every lap, back in the days when it was okay to laugh at an incredibly over the top depiction of a gay black man, back in the days when it was okay for a group of nerds to sexually harass the hell out of a bunch of sorority girls. It would be hard to get away with any of that nonsense today without someone throwing a fit, and if this classic was remade, I imagine it would be some politically correct PG-13 movie starring the cast of Glee that would feature outrageous gags like silly string fights, pranks involving water balloons and kegs filled with Sprite and Mountain Dew. And while that may appeal to twelve year old Mormons, the end result would just be a legion of disgusted fans and the dude who played Booger hanging himself in protest, and really, no one needs that.