What with the Summer of Hasbro coming to an end, it’s a no-brainer that G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra (which has pulled in some $236 million as of press time) is getting a sequel. This is the perfect opportunity to spotlight some Joes and Cobra scum that didn’t make it into the first one, and I predict massive boycotts unless the following casting choices are made.
James Roday as Shipwreck
If you watched the G.I. Joe cartoon from the 80s, you remember Shipwreck; the Joes’ resident sailor and slacker, he was pretty much Popeye played by Jack Nicholson. Handy with a punch and with a quip, he was comic relief who could kick some ass. To do him justice on the big screen, I’m going with Psych‘s James Roday – he’s got excellent comedy chops and could handle the action sequences, given that Shipwreck is less about doing backflips over cars and more about just plain slugging people in the face. All he needs is a beard and a parrot and we’re set.
Danny Trejo, Al Leong and Tom Savini as The Dreadnoks
Zartan’s ruthless henchmen, the Dreadnoks were an Aussie biker gang, but that’s just so, you know, Thunderdome. For this version, we’d do them up as a highly paid mercenary extraction team – they’re the best in the world at breaking into places to break people out. Trejo, Leong, and Savini are all legends in the movie business for playing tough goon types, and putting all three of them together as a team is an action fan’s wildest dream. (For the record – Trejo is Ripper, Leong is Torch, Savini is Buzzer).
James Brolin as Joe Colton
Who is Joe Colton, I hear you ask? Why, he’s the original G.I. Joe – the one that was on store shelves back in 1963 (his real name was revealed in the G.I. Joe comics in the early 90s). This would be a short cameo, but it’d need to be someone who is convincingly rugged and heroic. Chuck Norris is a little too obvious (insert your own “kung-fu grip” jokes here), Burt Reynolds is a little too silly, so I’m going with Mr. Barbra Streisand. He’s got enough charisma and presence to play a legendary man-of-action, and just look at that beard. That is an Action Beard if we ever saw one.
Sebastian Stan as The Crimson Twins
I really dug Stan’s turn as the conflicted and conniving Prince Jack on NBC’s criminally underappreciated Kings, and think he’d be a perfect fit in a tough dual role – Tomax and Xamot, freaky-deaky identical twins and the financial masterminds behind Cobra’s schemes. His aquiline, kinda-Eurotrashy good looks would really bring the palindromically-named duo to life. We’d suggest playing down some of the sillier aspects of the Twins (backflipping circus performers, thigh-high metal snake-motif boots) and seriously playing up the creepy (finishing each other’s sentences, feeling each other’s pain, vague undertones of twincest). Basically, they’d be less Saturday morning and more American Psycho.
Matt Bomer as Flint
Slick, handsome, and funny – all good characteristics for whoever’s playing the Joe team’s #3 guy. Bomer was an early favorite to play Superman in Superman Returns (talk about dodging a speeding bullet), but is probably known for his role as super-spy Bryce Larkin on NBC’s Chuck. Flint has to serve as the anti-Duke; whereas Duke just wades in with his fists swinging so he can get captured, escape, and then lead the team back to COBRA’s hideout, Flint actually plans things out. Make him a legitimate rival for Scarlett’s affections, and you’ve got a love… quadrangle? Quintangle? It’s a tangle, alright.
Chuck Liddell as “The Sarge”
Wait, put down the torches and Frankenstein rakes. We love Sergeant Slaughter as much as anyone, probably more so, but let’s face it – he ain’t getting any younger. That being said, the idea of the Joe team being put through their paces by a hard-ass who can even stretch Snake-Eyes out is pretty awesome. So I’m updating the idea for a modern audience, and who better to be the guy tough enough to show the Joes a thing or two than the Iceman?