Every week, I scour Netflix for a movie rated at one star and put it in my queue, suffering through it for your entertainment so that you don’t have to. In the past, I’ve taken on anime cancer demons, softcore Iraq War porn and racist ventriloquism, and this week, it’s the story of a modern-day Robin Hood that’s about 98% less enjoyable than the Dukes of Hazzard.
The Minx (2007)
Starring: Tobacco and Tobacco Accessories.
In the grand tradition of no-budget movies everywhere, the makers of The Minx decided to pad out their film’s soundtrack with the royalty-free songs of the public domain, in this case opting for Irish folk songs. Specifically, they lead with “I’m a Man You Don’t Meet Every Day,” which, like a lot of people, I’m mostly familiar with from its appearance on a Pogues album whose name describes three activities that are much more fun than watching this thing: Rum, Sodomy and the Lash.
As you might expect from the fact that it ended up here, The Minx is not a very good film, but it’s less of the aggressive, hateful awfulness of a Sorority Girls’ Revenge and more just a sterling example of a movie that’s just monumentally inept, which at this point is actually a pretty welcome change. The plot — such as it is — centers on one Linnea Chiang, a young lady who works in a tobacco shop by day, club musician by night and master-thief-slash-vigilante by even later at night, a trio of occupations that make her the first tobacconist vigilante since Cigar Aficionado hired Stan Lee back in the ’80s to appeal to a younger crowd.
Unfortunately, as the Minx, Linnea makes the mistake of pissing off a ruthless mobster who comes up with the brilliant plan of sending his men to follow her home after she puts on a head-to-toe PVC catsuit and robs one of his banks in broad daylight. What follows is the most tepid thriller I’ve ever seen, with the mobster — who has claimed on several occasions to want the Minx dead — steadfastly refusing to actually do anything about her, instead choosing to lurk menacingly at Halloween parties Linnea attends with her reporter boyfriend and then beg her to go to China with him in what I’m pretty sure is a scene left in from an earlier draft where The Minx was a romantic comedy.
So no, not a great plot, but it does give the filmmakers a chance to show off their bold new film technique of sticking a camcorder about three inches from an actor’s face:
It’s a pretty daring move, but it does give the actors a chance to show their range on a scale that wouldn’t be possible on stage or with an actual cinematographer. Here’s Linnea, for instance, displaying… some kind of emotion, I’m sure.