Movie Reviews

Full Release: Movies

The Stepfather

Okay, so am I like a stunted man-child for being so psyched about Where The Wild Things Are? I mean, I’m not wearing Garanimals and playing Donkey Kong Junior or anything, it’s just that what could have been an unmitigated disaster of memory-ruining actually looks – pretty rad. But it’s only one of several movies hitting theaters this week – take me by my imaginary hand and let’s discuss their potential for ruleosity.

The Stepfather – It’s horror movie remake-a-palooza month, as this 1978 trash classic gets a modern reimagining. I have a stepfather and the worst thing dude does is collect antique radios, this could be pretty boring. This shizzle is actually based on a true story, and not a “true” story like The Haunting In Connecticut but actually something that happened, where family-slayer John Emil List escaped the law, set up a new identity, and then married again, only to get busted by America’s Most Wanted. Oh, look, there’s an episode on tonight about a guy who killed six prostitutes by bashing their heads in with antique radios.

Law Abiding Citizen – I just can’t take Jamie Foxx seriously, I’m sorry. No matter how many dramatic roles he’s in opposite a white dude, I always think he’s going to start dancing and autotuning or something. This latest “Jamie And A White Dude” movie has Gerard Butler (who rules) as the white dude who, when his family is murdered, decides to take revenge not just on crime – but justice as well! If he chokes a judge with his powdered wig I will give this movie a million billion stars.

Where The Wild Things Are – Do you really need me to tell you what this is about? Seriously, if you don’t know this book you are a replicant or a Surrogate or one of the lizard people from V. A young kid gets crazy with monsters in like 28 pages. Spike Jonze has been working to get this sucker to the screen for seemingly a million years and reviews are overwhelmingly positive. If you don’t have your inner child locked in a basement, get to the theater.

New York, I Love You – Anthology film from some of the world’s best-respected directors, including Mira Nair, Shunji IwaiNatalie Portman? Brett Ratner? I am just as confused as the dickens right now. Short segments giving sloppy props to the Big Apple, with an all-star cast. Apparently Ratner’s segment is based on the director’s real life, in which he engages in forced coitus with a girl in a wheelchair. Well, if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.

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